


Still wear the scars like it was yesterday

by Felixtheseungcheoltrash



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Polyamory, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2018-10-13 23:31:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10524210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Felixtheseungcheoltrash/pseuds/Felixtheseungcheoltrash
Summary: “How’s Seungcheol been lately?” Jeonghan found himself speaking without a second thought. “Is he having his perfect family with a good wife and four kids?”Jeonghan knew how ridiculous and hypocritical he sounded at that moment. Deep down, he wished that Seungcheol had to suffer more than he and Joshua ever did when what happened between the three had happened; that Seungcheol were the most miserable human being in this entire world.Little did Jeonghan know, his wish of Seungcheol’s misery had been granted.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Proof-read by Sabrina@twitter: https://twitter.com/cheoljoshua
> 
> The tittle is from the lyrics of "Long gone and moved on" by The Script

“Shua, I said no alarm on Sunday.” Jeonghan groaned grumpily, nuzzling his face into the pillow. A hand immediately caressed the back of his head, followed by a raspy yet still sweet voice, “It’s not the alarm, Hannie.”

It was an incoming call. Jeonghan mumbled nonsense into the fabric underneath his face, trying to ignore the man next to him sitting up to pick up the phone.

Few moments later, Jeonghan felt that something was off.

He could tell by how the atmosphere was slowly thickening and sinking to the floor. By how Joshua stopped patting his head, but instead, subconsciously curled his fingers into Jeonghan’s long locks.

“Of course. We’ll be there.” Joshua said before hanging up. He lay down again to face his lover, who was now looking at him with confusion in those droopy eyes.

“Mingyu and Minghao sent us an invitation to their grand opening.”

The American spoke while scooting closer to Jeonghan, intertwining their fingers together. The long-haired male let out a breathy “oh” and waited for Joshua to continue, knowing this was not the reason why his boyfriend suddenly looked so vulnerable.

“We’re going back to Korea. _Everyone_ is going to be there.” 

Now that was it.

 

.

 

Not _everyone_ was here.

Joshua mentally talked to himself the moment he and Jeonghan entered the venue hand in hand.

There weren’t that many people in the hall to begin with, plus, most of them were familiar faces so it wasn’t hard to notice the one who was absent. Or maybe he just knew. It was like he and Jeonghan can still sense the presence of that certain someone even in a room full of strangers.

He looked to his lover when he felt his hand being squeezed lightly. Just by locking gaze with him, Joshua knew Jeonghan had the same thoughts.

Their silent conversation ended when Mingyu approached to greet the couple with _way_ too many hugs and his signature toothy smile that would forever look dorky to them. Jeonghan ruffled Mingyu’s hair roughly, resulting in the taller whining nonstop about how long it took Minghao to style his look.

Speak of the devil, Minghao somehow managed to hear his name being mentioned from a ridiculous distance and snapped his head towards them. He was standing with the boys whom the eldest couple haven’t seen in God knows how long.

It only took a few awkward hand waves for everything to return to the good old days. The laughter. The lame jokes. The pats on shoulders and backs. Hand tugging and elbowing. All of those made Joshua and Jeonghan wonder how they could’ve left these guys for so long.

Minghao and Mingyu now had their own fashion brand named MM, for which they were both designers and exclusive models. Their talents and unique tastes in fashion were as famous as their _not-so-secret_ relationship.

Their affections towards one another were too obvious to go unnoticed by the media and fans. However, they had never once confirmed their relationship. Instead, they just laughed and smoothly brushed it off every time it was brought up during interviews or press conferences.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Minghao gave Seungkwan a cheeky smirk when the younger had asked why the duo hadn’t announced their relationship to the public. Everyone let out exaggerated sighs while Jun sent a half-hearted glare in Minghao’s direction, knowing that his Chinese brother lived off of the thrill.

Smiling fondly at his friends, Joshua suddenly spotted something in Mingyu’s eyes, hidden underneath his dry laughter and the slight shake of head. It was something in dark teal – the color of false hope, desperation and exhaustion all in one.

He knew the color a little too well.

“So Josh, how’s LA?” Hansol’s question interrupted his train of thought. Turning to the half-blood man, Joshua made a mental note to talk to Mingyu later.

“It took a pretty long time to get Jeonghan accustomed to the lifestyle there. You know how he can be an ass sometimes.” Joshua dodged the punch his lover threw at him and grinned at the thought that he could finally complain about Jeonghan with someone else.

“But you guys had been in LA for quite a while before deciding to reside there.” Hansol rubbed his nose, clearly confused. Next to him, Soonyoung let out a tiny hum and nodded in agreement.

“That was different.” Jeonghan claimed defensively, with dramatic hand gestures and all. “Back then, all I had to do was sleep in the hotel room and call for room service.” _We didn’t expect to settle in LA, not at all._

He chose not to say the last part out loud. Of course, everyone already knew that, judging by the way their eyes darted in different directions. Seokmin had discreetly hit Hansol’s arm, probably for his inconsiderate statement earlier.

That’s right. They’d never planned to reside in the US.

Jeonghan had a business trip in the United States for half a year because he was one of the artists who had been chosen to have their works exhibited there. Joshua came along to help him with the language and, well, everything else. With that, the pair left Seungcheol, who couldn’t come with due to his job as a basketball coach at a high school, behind in Korea for what they thought was only a temporary stay in the States.

At some point during the third month of their stay, Jeonghan and Joshua received the news that Seungcheol was to be wed with a woman they didn’t even know, nor have heard of before; and three months later, he had a baby on the way.

In that moment, Jeonghan decided he’d rather struggle with a new life in a foreign country than go back to Korea. He talked to Joshua and they finally decided to settle in LA with the help of Joshua’s parents.

They left behind almost every part of lives: acquaintances, colleagues, friends; and a part of their love: Seungcheol. The couple stumbled to start over again, feeling lost and incomplete.

Jeonghan might have taken it harder than Joshua did. Naturally, the culture shock and his nature of being slow to adapt to changes added a lot to his already cluttered mind.

Up until now, every time he thought back to those dark days, his lungs still twisted in agonizing emptiness.

This time was no exception.

He thought he was okay now. It had been two years. He should have already moved on.

But somehow, pain and exasperation easily clouded his brain, making him numb to the point he could barely feel Joshua’s firm squeeze on his hand.

“How’s Seungcheol been lately?” Jeonghan found himself speaking without a second thought. “Is he having his perfect family with a good wife and four kids?”

Jeonghan knew how ridiculous and hypocritical he sounded at that moment. Deep down, he wished that Seungcheol had to suffer more than he and Joshua ever did when what happened between the three had happened; that Seungcheol were the most miserable human being in this entire world.

The absolute silence following his questions woke Jeonghan up. He noticed that everyone, except Joshua, was now staring at Jihoon with pale faces and fidgety hands.

“Guys, what happened?” He heard Joshua’s voice become small and shaky.

It was that moment when the couple saw Jihoon’s usual poker face starting to crack. Little did Jeonghan know, his wish of Seungcheol’s misery had been granted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like there are not enough 95-line fics so I gotta do something about it. 
> 
> Comments and reviews are appreciated. Tell me what you think ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proof-read by Sabrina@twitter

Only when the couple followed Jihoon through the gates of a private sanatorium did Joshua realize that what was happening wasn’t an illusion.

The drive there was painfully long and almost unbearable. Joshua and Jeonghan didn’t ask. Jihoon didn’t have the intention to spill anything either. The three men were silent as a graveyard up until Jihoon checked them in as visitors when they had to tell the receptionist their basic information.

Jeonghan noticed how familiar Jihoon was to this place by the way a doctor nodded at him in acknowledgement in the elevator and the nurses on duty just let him in the special health care sector without a single question.

Having arrived in front of the very last room on the corridor, Jihoon pushed the door very carefully, as if he was afraid to startle the person inside. When the door was opened just enough for the shortest man to show half of his face, they all heard a low voice speaking.

“Jihoon? I thought you would come back tomorrow?”

The couple, who were still standing outside, then gave each other a quick glance. Without a word, Jeonghan took a step back and at the same time, Joshua leaned forward to peek over Jihoon’s head.

There was a man sitting on a white sheeted bed, back facing the entrance, barely looking at the intruder over his slumped shoulder.

Joshua stared at the man who used to be both his and Jeonghan’s main source of energy now being covered in a tasteless shade of gray. The American had his hands ball into fists, not minding how deep the fingernails were digging into his soft palms. His expression must have been ugly by now because he swore the muscles on his face were twisting in distress.

Joshua never wanted Seungcheol to catch him in such a state, not when the latter had dumped both him and Jeonghan. So he did his best to collect himself before entering. Despite everything that had happened, they still came back for his sorry ass.

All of a sudden, the door swung open, leaving no time for Joshua to get his shit together. Obviously, Jeonghan’s patience had run out when he decided to push all of them, including himself, into the room.

The sound of stumbling feet finally caught the attention of the man in a patient’s clothing. Joshua stood there, watching the way his eyes widened in disbelief, then immediately lit up with pure joy.

That moment, Choi Seungcheol gave out the color of sunlight at a mid-summer noon: radiant, blinding. _Painful to look at._

“Shua, Jeonghan, you’re back!” The man stood up abruptly and sprinted towards Joshua and Jeonghan barefooted. He wrapped his arms around both of them then snuggled his face between theirs.

And right then, Joshua could hear Jihoon start sobbing quietly.  

All of these things happened so fast that the American could only manage to sneak a quick glance at Jeonghan and saw him being caught off guard completely.

The long-haired male had his lips parted in a silent yelp. His body tensed up in shock only to relax uncontrollably when he felt Seungcheol place a soft kiss on his blond locks, knowing that the oldest man would place another one on Joshua’s thin helix right after.

The embrace and kisses were too familiar and passionate; making Jeonghan feel like they had never fell apart, like those tragic incidents had just been a long and exhausting nightmare. Therefore, he let himself sink into this aching intimacy.

But the sound of Jihoon's muffled cry abruptly reminded Jeonghan that they had let destiny run its course and had gone into separated directions. There was no way the trio could go back to how they were before the break up.

That was their reality.

 

.

 

The doctor in charge of Seungcheol’s care had a talk with the couple after being introduced by Jihoon. The middle-aged man with eye wrinkles and strands of grey hair patiently explained the situation in terms that they could understand.

He said that Seungcheol’s brain was badly injured from the accident, that he now had the mentality similar to a ten-year-old kid. His memory wasn’t lost but more like an out-of-order photo album: messy and nonconsecutive.

He said Seungcheol refused to see his parents, didn’t acknowledge the existence of his wife and had just recently accepted Jihoon along with some of their mutual friends to come visit him.

Jeonghan and Joshua were the only ones he took the initiative to get close to.

“What about his elder brother?” The pair asked almost simultaneously. However, the doctor seemed confused, not knowing who they were referring to.

Jihoon cleared his throat before answering. “He passed away.” The short man had his gaze fixed on his hands. His voice was still hoarse from crying. “He died a month right before you guys broke up.”

Jeonghan brought a hand up to cover his mouth. He could vaguely guess where this was going yet he chose to not dig into the issue any further right now.

Next to Jeonghan, Joshua shot up and walked out the door. The younger stopped at a corner on the hallway, leaning his body against the cold wall for support.

He recalled when the couple had to leave Seungcheol’s room to meet up with the doctor, the oldest man burst into tears like a child. The fluid from both his eyes and nose mixed together, spilling all over his face. His skinny chest heaved heavily, causing his whole body to tremble, but his hands refused to let go of their shirt sleeves.

He mumbled between sobs pathetically, pleading for them to not go.

Joshua almost wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t. He wondered whether Choi Seungcheol could have cried this hard at the age of ten. Like a person who had just lost his world.

_Entirely._

“Jeonghan,” Joshua called out upon hearing footsteps approach. He didn't even need to look back. “Don’t tell me you’re not gonna…”

“I will, Shua.” The other man cut in, reaching his hand out to lace fingers with his lover. “This time I will.”

They walked back together to find that the doctor had left Jihoon sitting alone in the office. His right foot tapped on the floor in a slow, heavy rhythm.

At Jeonghan’s demand to know what had happened after all this time, he scoffed sarcastically. “Thought you guys would never ask.”

The short man told them briefly about how Seungcheol were set up on a blind date by his parents during his visit to Daegu – his hometown; which triggered him to come out to his family. Seungcheol’s parents, coming from conservative backgrounds, couldn’t accept their son being gay, much less involved in a polyamorous relationship.

After having a fight with his father, Seungcheol stormed out, ignoring his elder brother calling and chasing after him. As much as he loved his sibling, Seungcheol just wanted to drive away from this mess.

So he kept speeding until he heard a deafening crash from behind. He stopped the car and turned around, only to find that his brother had died in a desperate attempt to catch up with him.

Ever since the funeral, his parents had looked at him like a sinner. Seungcheol had lived his life in guilt and all the cruel words from his parents about Seungcheol owing them not only a grandchild, but also _a son_.

Everything had pushed the pitiful man to the point of making the hardest decision in his life: to break up with Joshua and Jeonghan and get married.

“You know what Seungcheol is like,” Jihoon stopped for a moment, shrugging his shoulders lightly. “Once he had agreed to the arranged marriage, he made a promise to treat that woman with all of his respect even though he didn’t love her at all.”

“Yeah, we know.” Joshua muttered. He and Jeonghan seemed surprisingly calm. Or maybe they just didn't know how to response in such situation.

Jihoon nodded before continuing. “Seungcheol wanted to have a kid so much. It was the key to his freedom and sanity. He even went to the hospital for an infertility test.” His gaze that wandered around collided with theirs for a second, and then slid away. “After a couple months of trying, his wife was finally pregnant.”

_Silence._

“Few days later, the test results came in.”

“…”

“Seungcheol is infertile.”

“…”

“The baby wasn’t his. It could never be his.”

 

Choi Seungcheol had given up his everything. All for nothing.

 

“Then how come he has this...” Jeonghan asked, struggling to say the words, “... deficit mentality?”

That phrase made the pit of his stomach wrench. He stood up and shoved his hands in the pockets, hid away his quivering fingertips.

“Drunk driving then another car accident.” Jihoon weakly broke into a wry smile. “The police found a shattered bottle of soju in Seungcheol’s car. But we all know soju has no effect on him.”

Feeling all of his mental resources being drained out by this conversation, the short man decided to leave his last words before exiting the room.

“After getting divorced, he asked me not to spill a single word about any of what I’ve just told you.”

 

Perhaps from that very moment, Choi Seungcheol didn’t want to live anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon crying is my aesthetic
> 
> Seungcheol suffering is my kink (only in fanfics of course)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Proof-read by Sabrina@twitter

On the day Choi Seungcheol got discharged, he dragged Jeonghan and Joshua across the hallway to say goodbye to every nurse who had taken care of him.

The man pulled his own luggage bag and led the way, looking back every once in awhile to see if his lovers could catch up. He had the brightest smile on his face, a twinkle in his eyes while he informed everyone that he’d be taken home by the couple.

When they reached the elevator, Seungcheol stood on the side with an arm sticking out to keep the door from closing automatically, insisting that Jeonghan and Joshua enter the cabin first.

Joshua’s heart faltered at the wistfully familiar sight. He had envisioned the oldest be the last one to go in and press the floor number for them.

However, it didn’t happen like how it would have in the old days. Now, Seungcheol was standing still as he had no idea what to do with the elevator keyboard. His eyebrows scrunched tight, completely perplexed.

Suddenly, Joshua was reminded that their boyfriend now had the mind of a kid. Therefore, he reached forward to press the floor number himself.

Jeonghan, who stood behind them, inhaled deeply, as if he was about to say something to ease Seungcheol’s confusion, but in the end decided to put a hand on the latter’s shoulder blade instead as an attempt to comfort him.

In that moment, Jeonghan truly realized how skinny Seungcheol had become. His all-time favorite t-shirt which used to fit him so well now was hanging loosely on his body frame. His cheeks were hollow and had lost their roundness, making his dimple even deeper.

Jeonghan wondered how Seungcheol had lived through the recovery after his accident. The doctor told him and Joshua that the lung contusion had made the man rely on a medical ventilator for nearly a month. Breathing properly had been a struggle for him, let alone eating.

Finally, Jeonghan spoke up, asking Seungcheol with a soft voice, “Are you hungry? What do you want for dinner?”

“Whatever you guys make,” Seungcheol beamed with anticipation like a child on his birthday. “I haven’t had any in a long time.”

It hurt Jeonghan to hear Seungcheol say that last sentence so lightly. No regret, no bitterness. He just simply stated a fact.

A second later, the elevator bell went off and the door opened. Seungcheol suddenly winced at the view of a huge lobby full of people milling around. His left hand sought out for Jeonghan’s in a moment of panic.

He was going to do the same with Joshua’s but he still had a luggage to pull. Thus, he sent the other man a pleading look. Joshua took the hint and got the luggage from his right hand so they could lace fingers together.

Only then was Seungcheol put at ease.

Their positions were switched. The oldest had never been the defenseless one before.

It didn’t mean that Jeonghan and Joshua were vulnerable either. But Seungcheol knew his lovers to their cores; he knew about Jeonghan’s concealed insecurity despite putting on a strong front, and about how Joshua’s reserved nature resulted in him not getting the upper hand more often than not.

Therefore, Seungcheol had always put them before himself, bracing the three of them for whatever that would come. It had been this way for so long that Jeonghan, Joshua, and even Seungcheol had totally forgotten that there were plenty of things the oldest couldn’t deal with on his own.

The three men walked through the lobby to find Jihoon’s car waiting outside. Surprisingly, there were two more cars parked nearby, which some of their friends were leaning against, making small talk with each other.

Wonwoo was the first one to catch a glimpse of the trio. He stepped forward, took the luggage from Joshua then put it in the trunk. “We came in case you guys needed anything.”

Joshua and Jeonghan smiled at their firends thankfully while Seungcheol could only give them a timid wave of hand.

“I haven’t seen Seungcheol in a week and he’s forgotten me already.” Chan pouted, clearly upset with Seungcheol being distant.

“Don’t worry. He’ll get better soon.” Jeonghan replied, uncertain if he was reassuring Chan or himself.

Soonyoung stood behind Chan and saw that the long-haired man was starting to zone out. He raised his voice swiftly. “Hey, Chan was just kidding. You guys...” he halted, looking at each of the trio in concern. “Just... don’t pressure yourself too much, okay?”

“Of course, man.” Joshua’s voice was firm, but the weak nod gave away his uncertainty.

Soonyoung thought no one could blame him for that. Just keeping composure through these cascading disasters was arduous enough.

The atmosphere seemed rather heavy again, so Seokmin and Seungkwan made it their mission to lighten up everybody’s mood by talking about the most random things.

Joshua and Jeonghan really appreciated the efforts of those two. Even Seungcheol became a little more comfortable although he still didn’t speak a word.

“Alright, we gotta go.” Jihoon’s call broke into their conversation, making all of them jump. No one noticed when the small man had gone back into the driver’s seat, hands rested on the steering wheel, waiting.

Jeonghan was the last one to get in the car. Closing the door, he saw Minghao came to the his side of the car and leaned down to look at him through the window.

“If you want, I can tell Mingyu to prepare some dishes and we’ll bring them over to your place.” The Chinese man looked at them with his big, sharp eyes and a small but genuine grin.

“Thank you, Hao. But right now Cheol wants something made by us.” Jeonghan smiled back at Minghao then gestured to the person sitting next to him.

Minghao’s gaze followed Jeonghan’s movements and caught the sight of Seungcheol resting his head on Joshua’s shoulder, dozing off.

“Okay then. We’ll come over another time.” The Chinese patted lightly on the car’s window. “Mingyu really misses having you guys taste his food. He said that my reactions were too boring.”

“Tell Mingyu we miss his food too.” Joshua craned his neck and talked with a soft hushed tone, almost whispering.

And with that, they bid each other goodbye.

Jihoon started the engine and drove off. Through the rear-view mirror, he could see the way Jeonghan and Joshua were locking their eyes, seeking and giving reassurance to each other at the same time.

 

.

 

They went back to their house from two years ago.

Even after Jeonghan and Joshua had moved out and Seungcheol lived with his wife in a different apartment, the oldest still  looked after the house with care. Therefore, it only took the other two this morning to prepare and clean up everything with the help of their friends.

They were going to stay here for at least a month so that Seungcheol could adapt to his life outside the sanatorium. Going back to the US right away would only add more difficulties to his condition.

Joshua had asked his boss for an extended leave. Jeonghan, on the other hand, was a freelance artist with his own studio so there wouldn’t be a problem.

The American was now cooking in the kitchen while Seungcheol was unpacking his stuff under Jeonghan’s instructions.

Cooking had never been Joshua’s thing, nor Jeonghan’s.

But back when the three of them decided to start a life together, he was a freelance digital marketer and the long haired male lived off of selling his paintings online. Meanwhile, Seungcheol who was a full time basketball coach never came home before sunset.

Hence, he and Jeonghan had to take on the responsibility of preparing meals. Usually, it would be one person cooking then the other doing the dishes, and the two switched roles between themselves on a daily basis.

Joshua heard Jeonghan’s voice coming from their bedroom, telling Seungcheol that he had done a good job. He knew that his lovers had finished unpacking by the sound of their footsteps shuffling across the hallway to the kitchen.

Stirring the pot of boiling kimchi soup, Joshua was startled when he felt two arms wrapping around his waist. Seungcheol pressed his body onto Joshua’s back and started to nibble Joshua’s ear lightly.

The tickling sensation made the younger shudder. He recalled what the doctor had said about Seungcheol not losing his memories completely but having trouble in arranging and retrieving them; however, his body still remembered and could act out of instinct in some situations.

This must be one of those.

Joshua turned his head to peck Seungcheol on the cheek before calling out, “Hannie, get him off me right now or we will have nothing for dinner.”

Jeonghan, who was standing by the counter and watching them, chuckled before reaching out to tug on Seungcheol’s arm then tried to distract the oldest man by teaching him how to set the table.

After having dinner, Seungcheol helped Jeonghan with the dishes. This kind of thing had never happened before when they were still together.

In addition to his busy schedule, Seungcheol also had a distaste for chores. Although he was more than willing to fix a light bulb or repair a leak under the sink, he would never do the laundry or the dishes.

But a minute earlier, when he was watching Jeonghan clean up with curiosity, the long-haired male gave him a towel and told him to wipe the dishes dry.

Seungcheol did the task he was given happily. With each piece done, he showed it to either Jeonghan or Joshua (who stood nearby) proudly and asked for rewards. A simple smile or nod from them could make him break into a silly grin.

When finished, they were all sitting on the couch, watching a random TV show. All of a sudden, Seungcheol snatched the remote control from Jeonghan’s grip and changed the channel.

Jeonghan was about to snap at him when the screen stopped at an international weather forecast. And before both he and Joshua even knew, tears started to stream down Seungcheol’s face silently as the weatherman started talking about the weather in Los Angeles.

There were no sounds, no movements. The tears welling up then falling from those big eyes were the only proofs that he was crying.

Seungcheol’s expression looked like he was in a daze. As if the man had lost something extremely important but didn’t know where he dropped it.

It took a moment for Jeonghan and Joshua to understand what was going on. But when they finally did, Joshua reached out to turn off the TV then pressed Seungcheol’s face into the crook of his neck. At the same time, Jeonghan’s voice sounded as soft as the kisses he was placing on the oldest’s hair.

“You don't need to watch LA’s weather forecast anymore. We’re back, Cheol.”

_Right here, next to you._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the last chapter I think some domestic fluff is necessary so here you go :)))) 
> 
> Please tell me what you think about this chapter, or the plot so far, or the characters, anything. I really enjoy reading your comments and reviews :))))))))))


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proof-read by Sabrina@twitter
> 
> I had "Six Feet Under" by Billie Eilish on repeat while writing the last half

“I’ve never seen anyone buy this much yogurt before.” Mingyu made a comment while weighing the bag he was holding by lifting his forearm up and down.

Mingyu came visit the trio with some of his signature desserts when the three were about to head to the convenience store after dinner. Having nothing else to do, the tall guy decided to just tag along.

“Jeonghan used to be the only one who likes yogurt and eats it on a daily basis. But then Seungcheol suddenly became addicted to it after trying some from the cup Jeonghan left on the table three days ago.” Joshua explained while walking out of the convenience store with another bag in his hand. “Now he even eats twice as much as Jeonghan does.”

Mingyu giggled as he saw Joshua shake his head in defeat but still have that gentle look in his eyes for his lovers.

Jeonghan and Seungcheol were strolling ahead of them. Each held a cup of yogurt and chattered about the most trivial things: from “which yogurt flavor tastes better” to “look at how funny that tree is”.

Okay, it was Jeonghan who did most of the talking. Seungcheol only nodded and laughed along. Sometimes he gave a few short responses, which encouraged Jeonghan to talk even more nonsense than he already did.

When the four of them walked across a basketball court, Seungcheol suddenly squealed in excitement then tried to pull Jeonghan towards the playground.

At first, Jeonghan grimaced in protest, not wanting to be interrupted while he was enjoying his yogurt. But when his boyfriend made a puppy-like sound in his throat, he gave in. The younger always had soft spots for adorable things.

Behind them, Joshua and Mingyu had no other choice than to follow and find a bench nearby to sit down.

The taller stretched out his incredibly long legs while continuing his talk with Joshua about healthy dishes that could be made at home. His eyes wandered up to the inky sky but immediately got blinded by the intense illumination of those floodlights on the playing field.

“So, where’s Minghao?” Only when hearing Joshua’s totally off topic question did Mingyu realize he had been zoning out for a good five minutes.

“Oh, Minghao, uh…” The younger stuttered, clearly being caught off guard. “He’s going to see someone.”

The way Mingyu’s tone fell flat made Joshua tilt his head slightly.

“Seeing as in…?” The American questioned while his left hand were gesturing an air quote.  

“Seeing as in _fucking_.”

Joshua was taken aback by Mingyu’s blunt answer, confused. “I thought you two were in love?”

“Well, I do love him.” The taller replied immediately with a shrug, as if he didn’t even have to think of the answer.

Joshua squinted at Mingyu and said nothing. As much as he tried to avoid jumping to conclusions, the situation seemed pretty damn obvious.

“It’s not like what you think.” Mingyu claimed defensively as he caught a glimpse of pity in Joshua’s eyes.

“Minghao isn’t playing games with me.” The tall man explained, not wanting the American to misunderstand the one he loved. Still, his voice sounded hurt. “He just can’t love me. That’s it.”

Joshua was going to ask what it was supposed to mean when Jeonghan came and joined them on the bench. Mingyu and Joshua immediately scooted over to make room for him.

“Can’t believe Cheol ditched me the moment he found himself a basketball team.”  The long-haired man huffed, pointing to the court where Seungcheol was already in the middle of the game with a bunch of teenagers.

“It’s not his fault that kids like him better than you.” Joshua mumbled then chuckled as Jeonghan groaned out an “I heard that _”_ and shoulder barged him playfully.

They bickered with each other for a minute before both turning towards the playing field.

There Seungcheol was, pale skin glowing under the artificial lights. His eyes were glinting with competitiveness and focus. Every time he scored, he would send a signature cocky smirk to his lovers, knowing that they were watching him.

Seungcheol at the moment was giving out the youthful, fiery vibe that Jeonghan and Joshua had long forgotten.

During the two years of being separated, the last thing the pair had remembered about Choi Seungcheol was how his voice was thick with stress and despair while speaking words of goodbye. It was such a dreadful memory that they had decided to bury it six feet underground.

Nonetheless, Joshua and Jeonghan hadn’t stopped longing for those happy days that the three of them once shared; or for the exuberant and passionate Seungcheol they used to love dearly.

But never had any of the two thought that it would take _so much_ for their boyfriend to be this vibrant again. The cost was so intolerable that even the sweetest smile on Seungcheol’s face right now could become a stab in their hearts.

“I feel relieved for you guys.” Mingyu stated out of nowhere, successfully grabbing the duo’s attention after being ignored for quite a while. “Especially Seungcheol, after everything he’s been through.”

“You know?” Jeonghan was eyeing the youngest man incredulously. Because as far as he knew, Jihoon would never have done against Seungcheol’s will and told other people about his tragedy.

Hence, both Jeonghan and and Joshua furrowed their brows in confusion as Mingyu replied, “We all do”, referring to their eight other friends.

Letting out a sigh, the tallest amongst them started to explain before the other two even asked. “At first, Jihoon refused to tell us anything, being secretive as always. However, after the accident had made Seungcheol become _like this_ , he couldn’t keep silent anymore.”

“Then why didn’t anyone inform us?” Joshua’s composure started to break as he raised his voice.

“We were going to,” Mingyu defended as his eyes widened dramatically, “yet Jihoon said that Seungcheol had forbidden him from using his condition as an excuse to force you back, regardless of what happened. Because it wouldn’t be fair for you guys.”

Getting no reply, the tall man snorted then murmured. “Thus, we had talked and decided to not tell you guys anything unless you ask about it yourself.”

The conversation between the three men came to an end and silence started to take over since no one wanted to discuss further into this subject.

The expressions on Jeonghan and Joshua’s faces were stiff and unreadable. But very soon, they both softened as the two saw Seungcheol running towards them with his hair blown back in the breeze.

When Seungcheol reached his lovers, his breath was shallow and his shoulders slumped in exhaustion. Of course, his stamina was nowhere near as good as it used to be.

“I’m tired. Let’s go home.” Panting, he pulled his lovers by their elbows then pouted childishly.

Joshua nodded as he stood up to wipe away the drop of sweat running down the bridge of Seungcheol’s nose with his sleeve. Meanwhile, Jeonghan just silently picked up the grocery bags full of yogurt with Mingyu. And with that, the four of them headed home.

The trio said goodbye to Mingyu in the lobby of the building but didn’t go towards the elevator until they saw Mingyu’s car disappear into the night.

Once they stepped into their apartment, Joshua pushed Seungcheol to the bathroom’s direction, discarding the oldest’s clothes on the way one by one. Jeonghan collected the fabrics that were damp with sweat and brought them to the laundry room.

Having thrown the dirty clothes into the washing machine, Jeonghan walked back to the bathroom and leaned his body against the opened door, staring at the two men he loved the most.

Seungcheol was playing with a rubber duck in the bathtub. The lazy grin on his face and those drooping eyelids showed how much he was enjoying himself.  Behind him, Joshua sat on the edge of the tub with his pants rolled up above the knees. He was scrubbing Seungcheol’s back gently; the wet fabric of his shirt clung to his abdomen.

The long-haired male couldn’t help but notice that although Joshua’s smile was heart-meltingly sweet; his eyes were darkened with the ambivalence of love and hatred.

Jeonghan glanced at the mirror, wondering if he had the same look in his eyes when looking at Seungcheol. But immediately, he darted his eyes away, terrified of the answer.

He felt like ever since they reunited with Seungcheol, the two of them had been staying in the eye of the hurricane caused by their emotional turmoil. One wrong step and they would fall into the eyewall, the most vicious part of a cyclone.

Right now, it seemed like Joshua already had one foot inside that ring of towering thunderstorms.

The sound of two bodies stepping out of the bathtub interrupted his train of thought. Jeonghan went forward and helped Seungcheol dry himself faster with a towel while Joshua was putting a shirt over the oldest’s head.

After wriggling into his pajama pants, Seungcheol gave each of his lovers a peck on the lips then hurried towards the living room to catch a TV show which he had just started to take interest in recently.

As Jeonghan heard the opening sequence echo through the walls, he closed the bathroom door, hesitated for a moment then finally decided to lock it. The man turned around to find Joshua slumping against the bathtub, head buried in his arms.

Jeonghan came to kneel in front of his American boyfriend and heard him murmur.

“He had everything planned out.”

Joshua’s voice sounded scratchy and every word was a little quieter than the last. The long-haired man whispered back a breathy “yeah”, understanding who and what Joshua was referring to.  

They wondered how long it had taken Seungcheol to plan their break up, and even what happened afterward.

What had he been thinking about during their international phone calls and texts? Had he slept well at night, carrying on all of those heartbroken lies?

How did he feel when he decided to block the two of them from getting any news about him?

Jeonghan and Joshua didn’t know the answers to any of those. They probably never would.

Jeonghan snapped back to the reality as Joshua suddenly let out a whimper.

The older man had his eyebrows knitted at the sound. “Shua, look at me.”

He placed his hands on the sides of the other man’s head in an attempt to make him look up.

Joshua’s body, which seemed smaller and more fragile in this position, shook uncontrollably when he did as he had been told. His eyes were glistening but nothing spilled out. Jeonghan could tell his lover was fighting back tears with all his might.

“I ha—” Joshua choked on his own words, unable to finish the sentence: _I hate him._ Instead, a chain of guttural sounds escaped his throat as if he was strangled by a pair of invisible hands.

Like a small wild animal trapped in a cage, Joshua lost his sanity in just a matter of seconds.

“I know. _So do I_.” Jeonghan shushed him softly, “You don’t have to say it out loud.”

The way Jeonghan said those words so lightly made Joshua doubt that they had been talking about the same thing. Perhaps because no one could admit their hatred towards the person they love with such nonchalance.

At least Joshua couldn’t.

Jeonghan noticed the agony his lover had been suffering from etched on his face. He knew the other man was in doubt of what he had just said, or even of everything that had happened so far.

Jeonghan understood that feeling. He had been there.

Thus, he had no intention of convincing Joshua with words, not when the American was in such a distraught state of mind. Instead, Jeonghan caressed the younger’s cheeks with his thumbs, trying to soothe his uneasiness.

The older gently pressed his lips onto Joshua’s eyelid as the younger’s eyes squeezed shut again, feeling it twitch lightly under his kiss. He continued to trail his lips down until they met with Joshua’s.

Their kiss started off slow and chaste, but quickly turned into a heated one when Jeonghan’s hands reached out to unbutton Joshua’s shirt. Their lips broke apart just long enough for the long-haired male to take off his T-shirt then reconnected with each other once more in desperation.

Jeonghan pressed his body in closer, forcing Joshua’s arms to release his knees and wrap around Jeonghan’s shoulders instead. The older had his hands drag a slow pattern of feather soft strokes over every inch of his lover’s skin on the way down to his hipbones. He peppered Joshua’s body with kisses while preparing him patiently, drawing moans out of those trembling lips.

The American had his eyes closed up until Jeonghan told him to open them as he began to thrust inside the younger.

After blinking a few times to adjust, the first thing came into Joshua’s sight was how Jeonghan’s expression distorted in an unbearable emotional conflict.

Only then did he truly believe that the man hovering above was just as lost and torn as he was. Therefore, Joshua finally let himself cry his heart out for the very first time ever since they returned to Korea.

As Jeonghan was rolling his hips into the body beneath him, he recalled all those sleepless nights after they had first moved to LA. When the long-haired male was woken up by either nightmares or the feeling of being suffocated, he would have asked Joshua to fuck him into oblivion so that he could feel more grounded and less frantic.

He mimicked the tone which Joshua used to talk to him during those nights and whispered relentlessly in the younger’s ears like a mantra, “It’s gonna be okay.”

 _We’re gonna be okay_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the most exhausting one to write so far. It took me the longest time to finish and i woke up at 2 one morning just to edit the last part ;;;;;;;
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy reading it :))) What do you think about Jeonghan and Joshua's emotional conflict in this chapter? Comments and reviews are appreciated :)))


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proof-read by Sabrina@twitter
> 
> In case you guys haven't noticed yet, I've changed the rating of this fic from Mature to Explicit. And this chapter is the reason why, so please proceed with caution if you're sensitive to smut scenes or just simply not interested in them. Enjoy!

Ever since his brother was deceased, Choi Seungcheol had known that the three of them breaking up was only a matter of time.

Supposing that he had told Joshua and Jeonghan about his family situation, of course they would still have come back to Korea to be by Seungcheol’s side. However, it was highly unlikely that they could help Seungcheol overcome the specter of his brother’s death and the pressure from his parents.

The trio would probably have struggled together for another period of time, still, Seungcheol’s guilt would never have gone away.

Not to mention, Jeonghan and Joshua would have felt a constant uneasiness about making their boyfriend choosing between them and his family. To be honest, there was not much that they could have done to make the situation better.

Eventually, one of them would crumble, and realize it’d be better for them to break up. But the worst thing was, by the time it happened; they could have been depleted both physically and emotionally.

After all, nothing could have been more torturous than knowing that your love wasn’t enough to work everything out.

Seungcheol’d rather suffer alone than pull his lovers into this mess, being aware that they would end up separated one way or another. He’d rather be a traitor than let Jeonghan and Joshua think that they weren’t adequate to heal his wound.

That was why he decided to put an end to their relationship without his boyfriends knowing the circumstance he was in.

On the last phone call they had together, Seungcheol asked Jeonghan to put him on the speaker so that Joshua could hear him too.

“If you want me to explain, I will.” Seungcheol said after informing them that he was getting married the next morning. “But I won’t change my mind.”

The silence on the other line lasted for a minute, and suddenly came Jeonghan’s voice, flat and dead.

“ _Don’t._ If knowing the reason can’t change anything, then I don’t want to hear.”

“Shua?” Seungcheol let out a shaky sigh that he didn't know he had been holding.

“I’m with Jeonghan.” Joshua spoke out his first and last words during this conversation. And the rest of it was history.

Even now, Joshua and Jeonghan were still absolutely clueless that they were reacting exactly like how Seungcheol had wanted.

The oldest had tried to hide the whole circumstance so that his boyfriends wouldn’t have been put in a dilemma. And there would be no better way to do it than to let Jeonghan make the decision, knowing the long-haired man would choose to be oblivious and Joshua would follow him to prevent the two of them from falling apart in such a sensitive situation.

Even when Seungcheol had to give the power of control to someone else, he still made sure that everything was calculated thoroughly.

The plan was almost perfect. Almost. Because never had Seungcheol anticipated how it could go wrong so horribly.

Given that he hadn’t been infertile, or that he had died in that car accident, Jeonghan and Joshua would still have been protected from the truth. It would definitely take a lot of efforts, but in time, the two would have been able to completely move on.

If Seungcheol had known everything would end up in a cascading failure, he’d never have let any of it come about.

But whatever had happened had happened. And the truth was, even though what he had done was all for Jeonghan and Joshua’s sake, Choi Seungcheol had made the judgment call on their relationship all by himself, driving the three of them pass the Point of No Return.

His love. His gentleness.

Sometimes, they were his cruelty.

 

.

 

Jeonghan was half awake when he felt a light squeeze on his hand. He couldn’t open his eyes right away, yet he knew that it was Joshua.

The American had always been the one sleeping in the middle, with Jeonghan on his right and Seungcheol on his left. This was due to his bad habit of falling out of the bed if he were to lie on the side.

Up until now, their positions hadn’t changed even though Joshua had gotten rid of his habit after two years of sleeping on one side of the bed in LA, having no one on his left to prevent him from falling off.

The first night after coming back from the sanatorium, as their protectiveness kicked in, Jeonghan and Joshua were going to let Seungcheol sleep between them. Nonetheless, the oldest stubbornly objected and insisted to stick to their original positions.

Seungcheol’s eyes held such an obstinacy that made Jeonghan and Joshua’s hearts ache at the thought that he was trying to hold on to the rare memories which his traumatized brain had managed to retrieve.

Hence, the duo let Seungcheol do whatever he wanted. And that was how their little habit was still maintained.

Jeonghan frowned as the grip on his hand suddenly tightened. He fought back the haziness and tried to open his eyes.

The first thing that came into his bleary sight was a bewildered expression on Joshua’s face. The way his mouth went slack and his breath became so light as if his lungs had stopped respiration urged Jeonghan to adjust his eyes in haste.

In front of him, Joshua’s body curled forward in a fetal position, frozen at the spot. And it only took Jeonghan a quick glance to understand why.

Seungcheol was spooning the youngest, craning his neck to cover the skin behind Joshua’s ear with wet kisses. His eyes were half closed, but Jeonghan could still notice the way they became hazy with lust.

For a brief moment, the long-haired male really thought that he had turned back time to when the three of them were still together.

Seungcheol had a thing for morning sex and tried to initiate it as many times as he could. He usually started with Joshua, seducing the American first so they can join forces to fight against Jeonghan’s sleepiness.

That seemed to be exactly what the oldest was doing at the moment, and also what terrified Joshua.

The two younger men couldn’t help but get their hopes up once again, praying that somehow Seungcheol’s mentality had _miraculously_ recovered. They could have asked some questions to find out the truth right away, yet neither of them was able to muster the strength and open their mouths.

Jeonghan knew there was a _much_ higher possibility that Seungcheol acted out of what his body could remember. The oldest must have overheard him and Joshua in the bathroom last night and those sex noises probably had triggered a specific part of his memory.

As soon as Jeonghan began to wonder if Joshua could understand the same thing, the long-haired man felt the grasp on his hands suddenly disappear.

He immediately met with Joshua’s blank stare, before he saw his younger boyfriend slowly screw his eyes shut and shift his body slightly. The American then brought up the hand which left Jeonghan’s just a second ago to pull Seungcheol into a kiss.

At that moment, Joshua had released his grip on reality since the pain it kept bringing just wouldn’t subside. Instead, the youngest man chose to give in to his desires and take whatever Seungcheol could offer.

A part of Jeonghan begged him to do something about this. He needed to tell his American boyfriend that he was scared of the consequences resulting from Joshua ignoring the truth. But the way Joshua was moving his mouth and tongue against Seungcheol’s in absolute bliss made Jeonghan waver.

He gazed intently at the view which, only less than an hour ago, he thought could only happen again in his dream. And as he still remembered correctly, his lovers slowly broke their lips apart and turned to check if he was up.

Jeonghan felt his mind go fuzzy as Seungcheol raised his eyebrows then licked the corner of his mouth invitingly. By the time he heard Joshua breathe out his name in a low, husky tone, Jeonghan had completely surrendered.

The long-haired male propped himself up and reached over to have a sloppy three-way kiss with his boyfriends. Sure, the morning breath was awful but none of them seemed to mind.

Clothes were discarded immediately when Jeonghan and Joshua pushed Seungcheol down to give him the longest foreplay ever.

The two men roamed their hands and mouths all over the body that they knew so well, lingered at the scar from surgery on Seungcheol’s chest. The oldest groaned and whimpered messily at the overstimulation, with Joshua’s mouth on his cock and Jeonghan’s fingers buried deep inside, massaging his prostate.

The couple locked eyes with each other while they drowned Seungcheol in pure pleasure, to the point that it became somewhat torturous for their boyfriend. Joshua had one hand wrapped at the base of Seungcheol’s throbbing hardness, denying his orgasm as Jeonghan was continuously hitting the spot which made the older male gasp for air.

They kept tossing Seungcheol back and forth over the thin line of pleasure and pain, just like how they had been since the very moment they had him back in their lives.

But as soon as Jeonghan and Joshua saw tears welling up at the corners of their lover’s eyes, they both stopped.

The trio moved so that Joshua was lying on his back, legs spread apart. His hands reached down to lube up Seungcheol’s dick and guide the oldest towards his entrance.

Seungcheol plunged into the younger with ease since the inside of Joshua was still loosened from what happened in the bathroom last night. Joshua noticed the man above him tremble slightly at the penetration, as if it was their first time together.

The American planted his hands on Seungcheol’s shoulder and told him not to move just yet. He started clenching and unclenching the muscles around the older’s cock, savoring the feeling of being filled by the other man. Meanwhile, Jeonghan took the time to put a condom and lube on himself and began to enter Seungcheol slowly from behind, making the latter’s breath hitch and his head fall back in overwhelming sensation.

As the trio quickly found the rhythm that worked for each of them, Jeonghan nipped at the mole on the back of Seungcheol’s neck. The man in the middle jolted at the sharp pain, snapping his hips abruptly into the body beneath him and making Joshua moan out loud at the sudden pressure.

The long-haired male found his nose burning slightly due to the familiar reactions from his lovers. He couldn’t stop himself from recalling what had separated them for two years then brought them together once again in such an ironic situation.

The anger hit Jeonghan out of the blue when he was dragging his teeth down along the side of Seungcheol’s neck. And he immediately felt a strong impulse to bite off the flesh on the older man’s shoulder.

However, he just didn’t have the heart to do so. Seungcheol’s shoulder was too hard under Jeonghan’s canines, as if the former’s bones were protruding through his skin.

Teeth grazing slowly turned into gentle kisses. Jeonghan decided to lose himself in the sounds of their bodies slapping against one another, the breathy whines and low grunts which no one was sure who they belonged to.

Jeonghan was the first one to release because his stamina was always at its lowest in the morning. As he was about to pull out, Seungcheol’s left hand quickly flew behind to grab his waist.

The middle man sent a pleading look over his shoulder while slowing down his thrusts into Joshua. Jeonghan took the hint. Thus, he crashed his lips on Seungcheol’s, encouraging the later to chase after his and Joshua’s orgasm.

The youngest man out of them was held captive by the extra pressure of two people on his lower body, unable to think of anything else. Joshua dug his heels into the back of Jeonghan’s thighs and panted loudly as he was very close to climax. His fingers sought purchase on Seungcheol’s forearms, leaving as many bruises as Seungcheol had left on his hips.

The other two broke apart from each other at those signs so that Seungcheol can lean down and kiss the American while Jeonghan reached one hand forward to stroke Joshua’s leaking erection.

It was only a matter of seconds until Seungcheol and Joshua released almost simultaneously. Their bodies pressed impossibly close to each other, sticky with sweat and Joshua’s cum.

Jeonghan felt his blood vessels pulsate in satisfaction at the sight even though he had come down almost completely from his orgasm. It took him a moment to finally pull out and stand on his shaky legs to head to the bathroom.

He couldn’t help himself from being stirred up by how Seungcheol still remembered the way they made love to each other. Every touch or kiss was exactly the same as how it used to be, as if it was a part of his natural instinct.

Right then, Jeonghan actually had a sense that maybe a _miracle_ could happen to the three of them. Like those scenes from some romantic movies where the main characters finally regained the lost memories and had a happy ending with their loved ones.

It was silly, and Jeonghan was too old to believe in this kind of fantasy. But the thought of it didn’t fail to plaster a small grin on his face.

When the long-haired male came back to the master bedroom with damp towels in his hands, he found that Joshua was fast asleep in Seungcheol’s arms. The older also seemed sleepy but still managed to flash a smile at Jeonghan before passing out again.

Jeonghan was stupefied by the way Seungcheol curled his lips so childishly, full of purity and innocence. It was the smile that had brought Jeonghan to a dreadful realization.

There was no such _miracle_ in this cruel world.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'll come clean. This is the first time I've written smut so i'm really nervous to see how it's turned out. Is it awkward or rushed or not fit with the whole story? Pleaseeeeeee let me know your opinions so I can improve in the future ;________;


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proof-read by Sabrina@twitter
> 
> Happy 95-line's day *yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy* I'm going to make it a thing so i posted this chapter as a present for you guys on this special occassion. Enjoy!

One month went by but felt like a week.

The day Joshua, Jeonghan and Seungcheol flew back to the United States, all of their friends arrived at the airport to see them off.

“Are you sure you don’t want us to come with you? Any of us?” Seungkwan was eyeing Jeonghan and Joshua incredulously, emphasizing the last three words.

The couple had lost count on the number of times Seungkwan had repeated this question on the ride from their apartment to the airport. However, neither of them was annoyed by him, probably because they understood that Seungkwan only meant well, and if it hadn’t been him who asked them, one of their other friends would have anyways.

“Seriously, we’ll be fine.” Joshua smiled patiently while reassuring the Jeju boy once again. “It’s not like we are moving for the first time. We’ve lived in LA for two years, remember?”

Everyone knew this was not what Seungkwan was worried about, but Joshua’s answer was unable to quibble with. Nonetheless, the way Joshua kept beating around the bush made his friends even more concerned than they already were.

Jeonghan threw a quick glance at Joshua, whose sweet smile started to become a little strained, then back at their group of friends.

“You know, Seungcheol now is very compliant.” He started. If no one was going to address the elephant in the room, then Yoon Jeonghan would. “He barely does anything against our words because he’s afraid we’ll get mad at him.”

He tried to make the last sentence sound as casual as possible. The truth was uncomfortable to hear, but surprisingly it still managed to ease everyone’s anxiety almost immediately. That was when Jeonghan knew he had made the right decision to admit and tell them about the real situation.

Their friends had been more than a big help to the trio during their stay in Korea. Jihoon had always been there for any problem regarding Seungcheol’s condition that only he knew about. Mingyu and Minghao, despite the stressful preparation for their brand’s very first collection, still brought food and visited the trio twice a week. Hansol helped Joshua with teaching Seungcheol English before going to the States. The others came over whenever they were available, mostly on the weekends, and finally succeeded in making Seungcheol’s timidity go away.

These guys’ efforts and care were so heart-warming that Jeonghan thought they deserved to at least know the truth. It would be disrespectful if he had told them something other than that.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Jeonghan saw Joshua idly fixing Seungcheol’s collar, not sure whether he had heard Jeonghan’s earlier words or not. As Joshua looked up and caught the long-haired male’s confusion, he quickly darted his eyes to a different direction.

Such avoidance made Jeonghan frown a little, yet he didn’t have time to think about it as his friends started to bombard him with hundreds of questions just like a mother sending her children off to another country.

When the group of young men started giving each other hugs and pats on the back, Seungcheol subtly stepped back to stay out of it. His left hand silently tugged at the hem of Joshua’s shirt while the other squeezed more firmly on the passport and ticket it was holding. Even though Seungcheol had accepted the presence of his friends, physical contact was still too much for him.

Jeonghan and Joshua received all the love from the other guys while moving forwards a little to create a safe space for Seungcheol. Their ears were filled with the sound of their friends saying goodbye and promising to visit them in the near future.

For a moment, the couple actually felt like maybe staying in Seoul wouldn’t be a bad idea. But very soon, they snapped back to reality as a woman’s voice on the airport speakers announced that their flight would take off in half an hour.

They had started their new life in Los Angeles two years ago and had come really far since then. Joshua Hong, a fomer freelance digital marketer, now was a chief marketing officer at a famous agency. And Yoon Jeonghan had gone from selling his works online to having a small art studio of his own.

LA had become a part of who they were, just like all the unhealed wounds from the incident that drove them to reside in that city. Having Seungcheol back simply couldn’t change that.

“Hey, you guys are going to miss your flight if you don’t go now.” Jun said softly while breaking himself off Jeonghan’s embrace. The Chinese male beamed sweetly at Seungcheol who now was staring unblinkingly at the passport and ticket in his hands after hearing the airport announcement.

The blank expression on Seungcheol’s face was unreadable but Jun assumed that the older was only perplexed. Therefore, he kindly reminded Seungcheol to show the pieces of paper he was holding to the security officers. The latter nodded absent-mindedly before following Jeonghan and Joshua’s footsteps to the security check.

All of a sudden, Seungcheol turned around and rushed towards Jihoon, who still had his left hand up waving goodbye at the trio. Seungcheol wrapped his arms around the small frame tightly, making the other man jump at the unexpected contact.

It only took Jihoon a split second to collect himself and lean his head back to see the taller man’s face. Seungcheol had his mouth hung open as if he was going to say something important but didn’t know why he had to. However, Jihoon still managed to catch on to his silent words and replied with an earnest _“You’re welcome, man.”_

He could feel Seungcheol’s tense muscles relaxed at the sentence, and the puzzlement which had always been clouding the latter’s eyes began to clear out a bit. The short man brought his arms up to hug Seungcheol back for the last time before urging the older to leave.

Jihoon watched how Seungcheol walked quickly to his awaiting lovers with a nonchalant smirk on his face, how Joshua and Jeonghan smiled back at him ever so fondly, how their shoulders and the back of their hands brushed against each other in every step they took. And then he had to look away, for that moment suddenly seemed too intimate for him to witness.

Trying to find something else for his eyes to rest on, Jihoon overheard Chan whispering to Soonyoung in an almost strangled tone, “I feel sad looking at them but somehow I cannot cry. It’s frustrating.”

Only then did Jihoon realize there had always been an unresolved grief stuck in his chest every time he thought about the trio. And Chan was right, it was indeed frustrating.

As he saw that the three men had disappeared behind the security check, Jihoon inhaled deeply before turning to the others then raised his voice.

“Who wants sushi for lunch? My treat.”

 

.

 

Jeonghan had a dream about his two previous flights from Seoul to Los Angeles.

The first plane trip was full of excitement. He had been offered a life changing opportunity to be acknowledged as a _real_ artist. He couldn’t fall asleep nor stop talking because of the thrill and Joshua also had to stay awake to keep him accompanied.

The second one was after they came back to Korea only to prepare for changing residence. Jeonghan had slept the entire flight away, leaving Joshua fretting about his emotional state. But when he woke up from that extremely long sleep, his desolation hadn’t eased off by any means, and neither had Joshua’s worry.

He remembered the way his American boyfriend’s gaze pierced through his soul when the plane landed in LAX. That gaze was indecipherable, yet the mere thought of it was painful enough to make Jeonghan jolt awake from his dream.

The long-haired male checked the small screen in front of him and realized they had gone through two third of the flight duration. Stretching his neck and arms, Jeonghan took in the sight of the man sitting on his left, next to the airplane window.

Choi Seungcheol probably remained the same posture as the last time Jeonghan looked at him before falling asleep. His finger were intertwined and placed on his thighs. His right thumb fidgeted on his left one as if he was trying to pacify some unknown agitation. Seungcheol’s eyes were fixed on the view outside the window, which was nothing more than a white canopy that went endless.

“He hasn’t gotten any sleep.” Joshua’s murmur almost had Jeonghan jump out of his skin.

The latter immediately snapped his head to the right, facing Joshua. When he spoke, his voice sounded raspy from sleeping. “Has he been like this the whole time?”

The American replied him with a weak nod, and Jeonghan suddenly realized that Seungcheol had been acting weird ever since they got on the plane.

The oldest man became strangely quiet after the flight took off. He looked at the window the whole time, even when the meal was served. Seungcheol appeared as if he was waiting desperately for this flight to end, but his expression looked like he was petrified of what would come afterwards.

Neither Jeonghan nor Joshua could identify the exact reasons behind their boyfriend’s behavior. They could only suppose that Seungcheol might have been shocked by the big move, which seemed reasonable considering his mental condition.

Therefore, Jeonghan temporarily suppressed his concern towards Seungcheol and shift his attention to the younger boyfriend.

“Have _you_ gotten any sleep?” He took Joshua’s left hand in between his palms and muttered in a soft tone while looking straight into the other man’s eyes.

“I don’t feel like sleeping.” Joshua shuttered his eyes; his long lashes hovered closely but didn’t touch the flesh underneath.

Jeonghan let out a shaky breath and allowed silence to blanket them once again. He noticed that he and Joshua had been falling out of sync little by little, since the amount of times he failed to interpret the other person’s thought had significantly increased. And the fact that Joshua sometimes avoided meeting his eyes lately didn’t help at all.

Jeonghan couldn’t determine when it all started. Was it that morning when the three of them had sex together for the first time in a long time? Was it right after Joshua’s mental breakdown in the bathroom? Or was it all the way back when they saw Seungcheol in patient's clothing, looking like someone had drained the life out of him?

He had no clue, but he would be damned if he didn’t do anything about it.

The fact was, Jeonghan had never been good at confronting. He was the type of person that would ignore a problem until it went away, which it never did, and let other people deal with it for him. But now, he didn’t dare to act like that, not when the three of them were still in a haze, not when last time he had chosen to let things slide was also the beginning of their suffering.

Therefore, Jeonghan swore on his life to do the best he could, even when he didn’t know exactly where to start.

“You know,” He muttered to Joshua, caressing the back of the younger’s hand, “I just dreamt about our last flight to LA.”

The American gave him a questioning look but said nothing, his eyebrows furrowing slightly.

“I was a mess back then, and also for quite a long time after that.” Jeonghan said, and then had to break off for a moment. Suddenly, there were so many emotions ambushing him that it was hard to think of what to say next.

“You were always there for me,” Jeonghan brought Joshua’s hand to his lips, mouthing at the knuckles, “but I’ve never said thank you. Not even once.”

“You don’t have to.” Joshua snorted quietly, flinching a little at the hot breath on his cold hands. Jeonghan’s lips were soft and warm against Joshua’s skin, but it was the sincerity in the man’s eyes that made his heart falter.

The long-haired male shook his head and grimaced, “Of course I do.” Because I had been a self-centered asshole who couldn’t do anything except for being a burden to you. Because I totally forgot that you also had to suffer from the break-up, that you were agonized and probably lost too. Because I had the culture shock while you didn’t, your pain was minimized and in the end, you had to be the one who carried my weight.

There was so much Jeonghan wanted to say, yet somehow it became almost physically painful to force out the words. And that sentence he spilled earlier was all he could manage.

“I know it’s late but I’m saying it now.” Jeonghan took in a long, deep breath before continuing.  “Thank you, Shua. And I’m sorry.”

At that very moment, he thought he had seen a strange stab of guilt flashing by in Joshua’s brown orbs. However, it disappeared as if it was never there as soon as the American blinked.

“It’s okay.” Joshua nodded then pulled his hand from Jeonghan’s grip. He leaned in to cradle his boyfriend’s face and put a chaste kiss on those lips.  

When they broke apart, Jeonghan caught the glimpse of that guilt in his boyfriend’s eyes once again. But hardly had he opened his mouth when Joshua mumbled in a low hushed voice. “Can I borrow your shoulder? I’m starting to feel sleepy.”

Jeonghan replied immediately with a quick “ _sure_ ” then raised the armrest so that they could sit closer to each other. He pressed his cheek on the younger’s soft hair which was resting peacefully on his shoulder.

The oldest of the two suddenly felt like he should have said more, yet he decided that silence might be better as he noticed how tired the American seemed, how cold and rigid Joshua’s hand was under his touch when he reached out to hold it again.

Thus, Jeonghan just tightened his grip a little more, but still so gently, and hoped that his warmth would be enough to melt down whatever bothering the other man.

Joshua had his eyes closed for the rest of the flight, even when Jeonghan shifted his head to stand up and guide Seungcheol to the lavatory. No one knew that he didn’t sleep, even just for a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It won't be long until we reach the ending. And since recently I talked to Sabrina about this, I am curious about how you guys anticipate or want this fic to end and why. Please leave comments down below and tell me :)))) Every thought is appreciated. Thank you :))))


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proof-read by Sabrina@twitter 
> 
> I'm finally back after having finished with the final exam ;_________; Hope you guys enjoy this chapter :))))))

Jeonghan thought that his heart had stopped beating the moment he turned around and realized Choi Seungcheol wasn’t at the place where he was supposed to be.

He and Joshua had told their boyfriend to sit on one of those waiting chairs while they went to pick up their luggage. The baggage claim area was always crowded, and the oldest man had trouble being surrounded by a lot of people.

The oldest male still seemed slightly dazed after the flight, which was why Jeonghan and Joshua had to make sure that the other man nodded to every single word they said before leaving for their luggage. Thus, when the duo came back to find the empty seat, they totally panicked.

Jeonghan couldn't understand how this happened. Just fifteen hours earlier, he had said to their friends that Seungcheol had become much more obedient recently. And there was no way Jeonghan could be wrong about this, since he was the main reason for Seungcheol’s change in behavior.

_It started a week ago, before the trio went to sleep._

_That day, Jeonghan and Joshua had been running around to finish all the procedures for Seungcheol to go to the United States. When they returned home in the evening, they had to order take-out because both were too exhausted to prepare a simple meal. Soon, the two men found themselves lying on the bed a lot earlier than they normally did._

_Choi Seungcheol, being a thoughtless child he was, decided to squeeze his body between his lovers on their enormous custom made bed, asking for attention. He propped himself up on his elbows, one hand playing with Jeonghan’s blond locks while the other stroking Joshua’s ear lobe._

_Getting no reaction other than the low, almost inaudible hum coming from Joshua’s throat, Seungcheol leaned his face closer to the long-haired male then started blowing air directly onto the skin of Jeonghan’s neck._

_Seungcheol had become somewhat needy and excessively attention seeking when it came to his boyfriends. Not that Jeonghan and Joshua complained about it, but they were still trying to cope with this major change since Seungcheol used to be the independent one in their relationship._

_Most of the time, it was nice, at least for Jeonghan. He found Seungcheol mildly bothering them for attention kind of cute and endearing. However, it wasn’t the case at that moment._

_The blond was too tired to push his older boyfriend away, so he mustered the last bit of his patience and told the other man to let him rest. His exhaustion slowly turned into frustration as Seungcheol, who all of a sudden was stubborn, kept tickling his neck with his breath and rubbing his chin on Jeonghan’s shoulder._

_The younger man tried to calm down, telling himself that this was only the result of Seungcheol being left at home alone all day for the first time; that the older had been anxious and probably scared. He inhaled deeply then forced his brain to countdown from ten. Nevertheless, none of those helped stop the anger from boiling at the pit of his stomach._

_And finally, he snapped._

_“If you keep bothering me, I will send you back to that big white room.”_

_Jeonghan didn’t mean for it to sound as harsh as it did. And he instantly knew nothing good would come out of the silence that followed his statement._

_He saw Seungcheol being startled by the anger behind his words. The childish man slowly lowered himself and lay flat on his chest while all the blood had completely drained from his face._

_Behind him, Joshua lifted the upper half of his body up and gave Jeonghan a weary look while starting to caress the back of Seungcheol’s head and back in an attempt to soothe the shivering man._

_Seungcheol subconsciously leaned into his youngest lover’s touch, but didn’t relax even when Joshua told him that Jeonghan hadn’t meant any of what he just said. The oldest stared up at Jeonghan unblinkingly, terrified by the thought of being sent back to the sanatorium. A broken whimper that escaped his parted chapped lips resembled a lost puppy’s whine._

_Jeonghan turned his body to face Seungcheol, placing his hand on his lover’s cheekbone. He watched a bead of tear fall from the corner of the man’s eye, streaming across his nose bridge then onto the mattress._

_Suddenly, Jeonghan was reminded that their oldest boyfriend now was as vulnerable as a kid, and he wanted to punch himself for making Seungcheol become like this._

_He cradled Seungcheol’s face with one hand, nuzzling their noses, then pressing their lips together, while mumbling his apology. His other hand sought for Joshua’s, squeezing it tightly to both reassure the American and ask for his forgiveness._

_The three of them stayed in that position until Seungcheol’s tears dried on their own. It didn’t take long for the fatigue to catch up on those grown-up men, putting them to sleep in an instant._

_And for the very first time, Seungcheol was the one lying in the middle, looking more fragile than ever._

“Jeonghan.”

“Jeonghan!”

The urge in Joshua’s voice broke the long-haired man out of this train of thoughts. He didn’t even have time to ask what was going on before Joshua tugged his hand hastily towards the exit.

His gaze shifted in Joshua’s direction and caught a glimpse of Seungcheol’s back in the midst of a crowd, heading out of the arrival hall.

Immediately, Jeonghan grabbed their suitcases and followed the American who was already half running. He could feel his heart pounding frantically; and if he weren’t busy with the luggage, he would bring his hands over his chest in case his heart might fall out.

As soon as the duo got to the curbside, they saw their boyfriend getting into a random taxi all by himself. Without any hesitation, Jeonghan picked up another cab and asked the driver to follow the one with the number plate he managed to memorize promptly.

The drive was completely quiet as neither Joshua nor Jeonghan opened their mouths to speak a word. Instead, both of them were staring intently at the back of Seungcheol’s taxi through the windshield, as if it could disappear before their eyes at any moment.

Only when the familiar sight of the city slowly came into his vision and his racing heartbeat had finally slowed down did Jeonghan’s mind begin to buzz with hundreds of questions.

Where was Seungcheol going? Why did he leave alone? When did he even learn to take a taxi? What was he gonna do with no money on him?

The worry consumed Jeonghan at an incredible speed, making his insides flip and wrench. He was in urgent need of talking to somebody about his concern; therefore he darted his eyes to Joshua. But once Jeonghan took a good look at his lover, he decided to keep it all to himself as he didn’t want to stir up the American, whose lower lip was between his front teeth, eyes went blank and muscles tensed under the thin layer of clothes.

Joshua had both hands on the backrest of the front seat. His fingertips turned white as they were digging intensely into the leather beneath. It wasn’t a polite thing to do, especially for Joshua. But he was afraid that if he let go, he wouldn’t be able to stop his hand from quivering.

Half way into Downtown Los Angeles, the anxiety became overwhelming as Joshua recognized the unmistakable route that they were taking. Minutes later, both Seungcheol’s cab and theirs had already pulled over, and his suspicions were confirmed.

He heard Jeonghan telling the driver to wait for them as the duo wasted no time getting out of the car. They reached Seungcheol’s taxi just in time to pay the other driver before the angry man called 911 on their boyfriend for not paying money nor being capable of responding to his questions like a normal person.

Jeonghan sincerely apologized to the driver for the inconvenience while Joshua gently pulled Seungcheol out of the cab. The oldest man remained silent the whole time, not affected even in the slightest by what was happening around him.

Joshua realized Seungcheol’s gaze hadn’t left the building they were stopping by. Jeonghan must have noticed it too, because Joshua heard him gasp in realization then let out a long sigh. Joshua couldn’t help but note that the blond had been sighing a lot lately.

The building they’re standing in front of was none other than the hotel Joshua and Jeonghan had stayed at during the latter’s business trip. And suddenly, every strange behavior of Seungcheol’s from the second they got on the plane was finally explained.

The thing was, Seungcheol hadn’t visited them during their temporary stay here, but he had made a promise to come to the States in the summer, when he was less busy coaching his high school students. But before summer even arrived, tragedies happened, one after another. And that promise had been left unfulfilled.

Joshua had actually forgotten about it, and he bet Jeonghan had, too. Because once a relationship ended, all the promises and vows made in it would turn into empty ones. Nonetheless, the fact that Seungcheol subconsciously came here all by himself indicated that he still had that promise burned into the back of his mind.

And if Joshua had heard how Seungcheol told his taxi driver the name and address of this hotel, he would realize that his boyfriend had never pronounced anything in English _that_ fluently.

As though he had practiced those words a thousand times. Over and over again.

“That’s it.” Jeonghan’s voice broke the silence among the three of them. He tugged at Seungcheol’s left hand and led the man to their awaiting cab. “Let’s go home.”

“No, wait.” To his surprise, Joshua suddenly raised his voice as he caught Seungcheol’s other wrist, trying to hold the older in his place.

Joshua’s stomach churned and the back of his throat soured as the guilt from before rushed through him once again. But this time, the image of Seungcheol staring at that hotel earlier made his uneasiness much more bearable.

For a moment, the youngest man totally forgot about the guilt, about what kept him restrained in the first place. Thus, he tightened his grip on Seungcheol’s wrist, pulling the latter one step backwards.

Jeonghan frowned at the sight; his hand didn’t let go of Seungcheol’s either. He took a deep inhale before speaking firmly, feeling his face muscles tense up, “Shua, we’re not doing this.”

To the long-haired man, one of the reasons for bringing Seungcheol to Los Angeles was to protect his older boyfriend from any traumatic recall, which was more likely to happen in Seoul. Hence, what had being going on for the last hour really pissed Jeonghan off to no end, making him feel like all his efforts had been in vain.

Jeonghan wasn’t in the mood to think about why Joshua was acting like this. He just wanted to bring Seungcheol away from this place, or from anything that could potentially trigger him in general. Therefore, he didn’t bother to conceal his exasperation while opening the car door harshly.

Joshua wasn’t blind, as much as he wished to be, so he released his grip and followed the other two into the cab.

Once seated, the American pressed his forehead against the window. Through the reflection on the glass, he watched how Seungcheol kept looking back at the hotel and how Jeonghan tried to distract the older man by talking to him.

Joshua stared at their gentle touches, listened to Jeonghan’s soft whispers. Then he screwed his eyes shut.

When he opened them again, the street lights were on, piercing through the glass window. And the reflection he was watching a few seconds ago vanished into thin air.

 

.

 

Joshua and Jeonghan hated that some people considered Seungcheol an idiot, although they had tried to put it mildly in many different ways.

“Children grow up.” That was what Jeonghan had said to Seungcheol’s doctor when that middle-aged man had suggested that staying in the sanatorium might have been better for someone who has the mentality of a kid.

He and Joshua blatantly rejected every recommendation the doctor gave on those prestigious care homes in the United States that were willing to accept patients like Seungcheol.

After having returned to Los Angeles, the duo made use of the last two weeks of their leave to train their boyfriend strictly like a soldier. It couldn’t be helped since there wasn’t much time left before they went back to work, and Seungcheol still needed to learn many things in order to survive when they were not around.

Teaching the oldest man to heat food with the microwave, to use the phone and some electrical devices were just simple tasks. The most important thing was to make sure Seungcheol knew how to get home, because Joshua and Jeonghan had no intentions of keeping him inside the house like a prisoner.

They gave Seungcheol the house key, locked him outside then let him open the door on his own. This process was repeated until the man was able to get inside within one minute.

They led Seungcheol outside of their apartment complex, told him to stay there while they went home themselves. After that, the couple called him on his phone, asking him to get back. This was repeated until Seungcheol could arrive home in less than five minutes.

Jeonghan and Joshua gradually widened the scope to the convenience store just a few blocks away, then to the park at the end of the street.

They taught Seungcheol to identify the most basic items that they used on a daily basis and how to purchase them when needed. They showed him what to do and what not to do in the park, even though they preferred him not to go there too often.

The further the location was, the longer it took for Seungcheol to remember his way home. Now, the trio had been walking around the same corner of this street five times already, yet the oldest man still failed to recollect the route he had been given.

Joshua looked up at the sky which was turning into a glorious shade of auburn.

Under another circumstance, he would admire the beauty of the sun trying to cast its last golden rays over the rooftops. But at the moment, Joshua only felt the growing frustration as the light was slowly dying down behind the silhouette of buildings.

He shifted his gaze to the two men in front of him, taking in the sight of Jeonghan patiently encouraging the absolutely muddled Seungcheol.

The oldest man had a desperate expression on his face, like a child who had done the best he could but still didn’t manage to meet his parents’ expectation. His broad body frame shrank a little while his head was hung low, and Jeonghan’s words of encouragement apparently hadn’t been of any help as Seungcheol’s parted lips started to tremble visibly.

“It’s enough for today, don’t you think?” Joshua found himself cut in without thinking. He knew that if the next thing that could have come from Seungcheol was a plea then he would be regretful for not interrupting.

Choi Seungcheol had never been one to plead. Ever. And Joshua would do anything to keep that unchanged.

The oldest looked up at him, eyes glistening. The American placed his big hand on Seungcheol’s nape, thumb rubbing at the vertebrae that slightly protruded at the end of his neck.

The corner of Joshua’s lips curled up as he noticed the other man relax under his touch.

It still worked.

A few months after the trio’s relationship had been established, the two younger men found out something interesting about their boyfriend. Whenever Seungcheol was nervous or angry, a few soft strokes on the back of his neck would never fail to mitigate his discomfort.

Jeonghan used to make jokes about it, saying this reflex of Seungcheol’s resembled a spoilt little dog. And Seungcheol responded to that remark by tackling his witty lover on the ground, biting Jeonghan’s neck and shoulders with his canine teeth, eliciting a beautiful breathy laugh from the smaller man.

“Cheol’s already had a lot to take in for today.” Joshua started talking again after snapping out of those flashbacks. "Maybe we should let him rest and continue tomorrow.

He still had that small smile on his lips, and seeing Jeonghan’s slight hesitation didn’t make it disappear right away.

The long-haired male didn’t want to pressure Seungcheol either, yet the last two weeks of their leave had been running out so quickly that he thought there would never be enough time to prepare their boyfriend to be on his own.

Joshua understood Jeonghan’s concern. Or at least the look in his eyes made him seem like he did. The American reached out his other hand to press onto the middle of Jeonghan’s back. His voice was soothing, almost hypnotic.

“Cheol has always had a good sense of direction, he just needs to relax. Let him take his time, okay?”

Jeonghan was about to argue that the good sense of direction Joshua mentioned probably had no longer remained the same. However, he still wanted to believe that what the younger had just said was true; making their situation less difficult than it was right now.

Thus, he settled with a soft nod of the head and let Joshua push his body and Seungcheol’s towards the familiar direction leading back to their home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting more and more difficult for me as the story is coming to an end. So i must be extra careful to get the pace right ;_____; Feel free to comment if you find something off. Your reviews and comments help me a lot and i really appreciate them ;_____;


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proof-read by Sabrina@twitter
> 
> Sorry for the long wait guys ;;A;; This chapter is longer than the previous one. I hope it can make it up to you :)))

The next morning, Seungcheol only succeeded in remembering the route after three times trying.

If Jeonghan had to be honest, he would say this was better than what he had expected. After all, he hadn’t put much faith in Seungcheol’s sense of direction, which was now proven to have become poor.

However, Joshua didn’t seem to share the same thoughts.

The first two attempts ending up in failure had brought a bleak expression on the youngest’s face. It made Jeonghan realize that Joshua had been holding on to Seungcheol’s old ability of memorizing routes a little too much. Even when their boyfriend finally got the directions correctly, the American still appeared crestfallen, as much as he tried to hide it.

Jeonghan felt bad for his younger lover, so he placed his hand on Joshua’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. But before the long-haired male could say anything, Joshua quickly turned his body, making the other man’s hand slip off its place.

Now facing Jeonghan, the younger curled his lips into a large grin that didn’t reach his eyes.

“I told you he could do it, didn’t I?” he said.

Jeonghan was completely dazed by the false joy laced in Joshua’s tone that he didn’t mind the way his hand was still hanging awkwardly in the air. He wasn’t sure if he should talk with the other about whatever was going on or just simply drop it.

Next to him, Seungcheol was staring at them with his eyes wide open in pure curiosity. The man was absolutely oblivious of the uncomfortable atmosphere surrounding his lovers.

After a few seconds that felt like minutes, Jeonghan averted his gaze downwards, looking defeated.

“Yeah,” He replied breathily, “Yeah, you did.”

He figured that maybe if Joshua still managed to let on that he was fine then he must be somewhat near there. Forcing him into talking right now would for sure create tension that no one wanted.

_This was for the best._

Or so Jeonghan thought, before suggesting the three of them have a fancy lunch to celebrate Seungcheol’s success.

 

Not until later in the night did the long-haired male realized that he was probably, very likely, wrong.

The trio was making love under the dim lights of their bedroom.

Jeonghan had Seungcheol’s head on his lap; brushing the sweaty strands out of the latter’s face while caressing all the sensitive spots on his body. Joshua, at the other end, placed Seungcheol’s legs around his waist and buried himself deep inside the older’s tight heat.

Jeonghan could feel Joshua’s exasperation seeping into each and every one of his thrusts. The American’s movements were tantalizingly slow. Even when Seungcheol whined in discomfort, he still refused to pick up the pace.

Joshua remained silent the whole time. Only the heavy breaths that he let out gave away how uneasy he also felt, yet for some reason he stubbornly kept his pace unchanged.

Jeonghan was about to raise his voice since this was too irritating to watch. But all of a sudden, Seungcheol tightened his legs around Joshua’s torso, and in one swift movement, flipped the two of them over.

Seungcheol was now straddling his youngest lover, bouncing up and down to chase after his own release. His hand pressed on Joshua’s chest for support and his head fell back in bliss.

The long-haired man was caught off guard by the scene unraveling before him, still, his eyes instantly sought for Joshua’s reaction. He didn’t miss how the thickening exasperation in those brown orbs abruptly melted into a single tear spilling from the corner of Joshua’s left eye.

In that moment, Jeonghan finally understood something he wished he hadn’t.

.

Joshua’s leave had eventually come to an end. Luckily, it didn’t take long for the trio to find themselves quickly falling into a routine.

During the day, while Joshua and Jeonghan were at work, their boyfriend spent most of his time at home playing video games.

The three of them had breakfast together. Seungcheol’s lunch was prepared beforehand and put in the refrigerator so that he only needed to microwave it for a few minutes. And then when the duo came back from work, they all gathered around for dinner.

Following dinner was the study session, which lasted for about one hour or two every evening. Joshua was determined on perfecting Seungcheol’s English while Jeonghan taught the oldest male basic math. After all, Seungcheol only needed to know how to count money when going to the grocery shop.

Jeonghan adored the way Seungcheol’s eyebrows scrunched together in high concentration, how his lips parted, mumbling a calculation in his head. The younger male loved hearing his lover’s small cheer every time he got the correct answer and a long whine when he didn’t.

Despite the fact that Seungcheol was no longer as knowledgeable as he used to be, he was still a smart and quick learner. Hence, Jeonghan had run out of things to teach him after a few weeks.

It didn’t upset the long-haired man though, since he now had time to sketch his boyfriends during the English learning session, something he had never done before when they were still together.

It was unfortunate that Seungcheol wasn’t good with language like he was with numbers. And continuous practicing had been a big challenge as the oldest became a lot quieter after his accident.

His awkward English pronunciation was another problem, yet Joshua has no intention of fixing it. The American hadn’t said this to anyone, but the moment Seungcheol tried to use his heavily accented English to greet him when they first met, Joshua had immediately known that he would fall for this man one day.

On the weekends, the trio would spend time outdoors, whether it was just a basketball game in the park or a road trip to somewhere outside the city.

Everything was going smoothly, almost like how it had been before the breakup. If Jeonghan had to point out a difference, it would be the small change in their sex lives. The three men had sex so frequently as if they were hormonal teenagers once again. And most of the time, Joshua was the one to initiate it.

It was not that Joshua had been the least sexually active amongst three of them, but he was more of a follower when it came to sex. So the fact the he had been constantly asking for it had really taken Jeonghan by surprise.

The long-haired male understood the reason behind Joshua’s antics, and in some aspects, it was kind of agitating. Even so, he didn’t have the heart to stop his younger boyfriend from doing it. Not when Joshua was the most genuinely satisfied only when they were making love.

Jeonghan noticed that Joshua hadn’t been fully happy despite the seemingly good life they were having. And the American’s sweet smile often left a bitter aftertaste that made him frown.

The older out of the two had tried several times to bring this up. But he found it difficult to be alone with Joshua, and even when he was, the other man would never let him start talking about anything serious. Without Jeonghan realizing, Joshua had been avoiding him for quite a while.

It was ironic how their positions were switched. The way Joshua behaved at the moment was awfully similar to how Jeonghan had when they first moved to Los Angeles.

The older male had no idea how Joshua could deal with him during those days and remain the only sane one throughout that tragic incident. Meanwhile, Jeonghan had been an utter mess who needed his younger lover to always be there for him.

But now he couldn’t sit and wait for Joshua to come pamper him anymore. At the time being, Jeonghan was the sane one.

Now, it was his turn to repay Joshua’s efforts.

The long-haired male sucked in a breath at the thought.

He was currently in the kitchen with Seungcheol, while Joshua was sitting at the dining table, working on his laptop.

They had finished dinner a while ago. Jeonghan was doing the dishes and next to him, Seungcheol was attentively peeling an apple.

In the past, Choi Seungcheol hadn’t even known how to that, even though he couldn’t stand the tartness of the apple’s skin. But when he first saw Joshua peeling an apple for him after getting out of the sanatorium, Seungcheol had insisted on learning to do it himself as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

It took Jeonghan and Joshua quite a while to teach him how to hold the peeler correctly so that he wouldn’t cut his own fingers. Still, Seungcheol never had the most graceful hands; he, therefore, ended up hurting himself sporadically. And sometimes, the cut was much deeper than usual.

Like today, for example.

When Jeonghan heard Seungcheol whimper out his name, the latter’s finger had already been bleeding profusely.

The long-haired male instantly grabbed a clean washcloth nearby and pressed it on the open wound while calling out for Joshua.

The American dashed into the bathroom once he understood what was going on, then immediately came back with the first aid kit. He wasted no time treating the cut on Seungcheol’s forefinger in silence. But as soon as he was done, he started to chide the oldest man for being careless.

Jeonghan figured that it meant Seungcheol’s wound wasn’t as severe as it looked, so he let out a breath in relief then began to clean up.

On the way of bringing the kit back to the bathroom, Jeonghan passed by Joshua’s laptop placed on the dining table. It was completely unintentional, but he caught the sight of what was being displayed.

The screen was showing a web page full of Google search results. Jeonghan couldn’t go through all of them, because the phrase that Joshua had entered in the search bar had shut his brain down.

Jeonghan promptly turned on his heel and continued heading to the bathroom without anyone noticing.

Once he was inside and the bathroom door was locked, his body gave out and sagged on the closed toilet seat.

His broad shoulders slumped under what seemed like a hundred kilos of invisible weight. And every fiber of his being started to numb themselves under the pressure.

When Jeonghan came back out again, Joshua and Seungcheol had already started their daily English lessons on the sofa. Hence, he just silently took his sketchbook and sat opposite his boyfriends.

Two hours slowly passed by without a single pencil stroke added to the unfinished painting.

.

It was a few days later when Jeonghan came home from his studio to find an empty apartment with no lights on.

The atmosphere was so frigid that for a second, the long-haired male thought he had gone two years backwards, to when he and Joshua first moved to LA.

Throwing his denim jacket on the couch, he called out Seungcheol’s name while checking every single room there was in the house. Yet, silence was the only reply that he got.

Seungcheol wasn’t home.

A part of Jeonghan felt relieved that he didn’t find his boyfriend lying unconscious on the floor, or worse. Nonetheless, it’s still unusual for Seungcheol to go out without calling to inform him or Joshua.

His calloused fingers quickly typed a chain of digits on his phone then pressed call. A monotonous voice of a woman immediately sounded, telling him the number was invalid.

Only then did Jeonghan realize he just dialed Seungcheol’s old Korean phone number.

Letting out a long sigh, he started looking for the older man’s current number in his contact list, only to be left in despair when he saw Seungcheol’s cellphone buzzing on their TV stand.

Jeonghan told himself that there was no need to panic as he rushed out of their apartment, heading to the one at the other side of the building. It was the house of an old lady living with her golden retriever. Seungcheol played with the dog and helped the lady to feed it all the time.

Thus, when the kind woman said that Seungcheol hadn’t visited them today, Jeonghan tried his best to not look too anxious in front of her.

Not wanting to bother her any longer, the long-haired male insisted that everything was fine while faking a gentle grin, even though the muscles around his cheeks were tense and refused to cooperate.

Avoiding the worried look from the old lady, he excused himself and returned home. He felt his footsteps become heavy at the thought of the empty apartment and Seungcheol who was nowhere to be found.

But just before Jeonghan reached their apartment, he realized the front door was wide opened.

The amber light that they used for the living room brightened up a part of the corridor, looking warmer than ever. His heart made a loud thump at the sight and his eyes were burning up in sudden relief.

He hurried towards the entrance, almost tripping over the threshold in the process, only to find Joshua standing in the entrance hall. His younger boyfriend was startled by the noise he made and was confused by the hysterical expression on Jeonghan’s face.

“You forgot to lock the door.” Joshua spoke softly after a few seconds, stepping towards the older. He brushed through the strands of hair falling on Jeonghan’s face, tucked them behind his ears, and then continued. “I thought something happened.”

“Seungcheol isn’t home,” Jeonghan ignored the feeling of his heart sinking as he replied. “He didn’t bring the phone with him either.”

But much to his disappointment, Joshua just let out a half-hearted “ _oh_ ” then swiftly turned around and walked towards the sofa.

The long-haired male opened his mouth, then closed it, and opened it once again when his American boyfriend started pouring himself a glass of water.

“What’s with that?”

“What’s with what?” Joshua retorted. His lips still touched the rim of the glass.

“Your attitude, Shua.” Jeonghan approached him, gaze fixed at the back of the other man’s head. “You don’t seem worried at all.”

“It’s because I’m not.” The younger calmly loosened his tie and unbuttoned his collar. “Cheol just went out for a while. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“But he has never left the house without telling us.”

“You can’t expect Cheol to inform us about everything he does, Jeonghan. He’s a grown man.”

There was something about Joshua being overly calm given this circumstance that irritated Jeonghan more than his last statement did. Still, the long-haired male knew better than to make the situation more complicated.

A boyfriend of his was missing; starting a fight with the other one was the last thing he wanted to do right now.

“I’ll go find him.” The long-haired male said with a loud sigh. He had to make up his mind quick, in case he was dragged into an argument with Joshua without realizing it.

The American stood there watching Jeonghan put on the denim jacket once again, feeling his own body tremble so _so_ lightly that he thought he might have imagined it. His voice suddenly dropped low, “We can just wait for him to come back. You don’t have to do that.”

“Oh _yes_ , I do.” Jeonghan snapped his head towards Joshua, eyes boring into him. “And I’m asking James to help me.” James was a friend of Jeonghan’s working as a police officer at the station down the street. And with that, he started walking towards the door.

“That’s unnecessary,” came Joshua’s protest.

“Cheol hasn’t completely gotten used to this neighborhood. He could be lost.” Jeonghan said without looking back; his footsteps didn’t falter.

“No, he couldn’t.” Joshua’s body leaned forward as if he was going to chase after the other man. “Seungcheol has a good sense of direction. There’s no way he can get lost that easily.”

His words immediately brought Jeonghan to a stop. The long-haired male had his hands balled into fists by the side of his stiffening body, eyes scrunched tight like he was in pain.

He almost wanted to yell at Joshua that the _present_ Seungcheol had to try eight times in total to get the direction right the other day; that the _present_ Seungcheol was vulnerable, needy, and helpless.

Jeonghan _knew_ this was coming, and sooner or later, he would have to confront Joshua about it. He just wished it didn’t have to be at this very moment.

But before he could sort everything out, he heard Joshua continue with the same tone. “You always get to decide everything, don’t you?”

The younger man’s words echoed in the empty entrance hall, stabbing Jeonghan in the ears like paper knives.

Right then, he knew their conversation was no longer merely about Seungcheol.

“It’s always been you who get to make a decision.” Joshua repeated himself, finally making Jeonghan turn around once more to face him. “Never me.”

The older one between them had that look in his eyes like he was crying invisible tears. The corners of his mouth were quivering in a failed attempt to keep a composed facial expression. “Shua, please listen–”

“No, _you_ listen.” Joshua cut in. Even if he was silently taken aback by how harsh he sounded, he still kept going nonetheless. “You’re the one who barged into the hospital room that day. You asked our friends about Seungcheol at Mingyu’s party. You determined to stay in Los Angeles after we broke up. And it was you who decided to not hear Seungcheol explain in the first place.”

Unlike most people who raised their tone or spoke faster when arguing, Joshua’s voice remained the same speed yet much lower than normal. However, Jeonghan knew Joshua well enough to hear the angry undertone through his collected façade.

“I did nothing but follow you like a fool. And you know goddamn why.” The American continued as he got no response. “I didn’t want us to fall apart. We’d already lost Seungcheol, I couldn’t risk losing you too.”

Jeonghan brought a hand to his face, fingertips pressing at the spot between his eyebrows.

It was true that he had always been aware of the reason Joshua had never opposed to any of his decisions. However, hearing his younger boyfriend admit it himself was different. It made Jeonghan feel exposed in a sense.

Jeonghan would be lying if he said he hadn’t used that situation to his advantage. After the breakup, he had been miserable, out of his mind even. And knowing that Joshua was willingly chained to his side had made him think he could make any decision without considering his younger boyfriend.

Come to think of it, this was probably why Jeonghan hadn’t been affected as heavily as Joshua had when they found out that Seungcheol had plotted their breakup. What Jeonghan did to Joshua was no better than what Seungcheol had done to the two of them.

The long-haired male shifted his gaze from the ground to his boyfriend’s face and locked eyes with him, even if it took all of his willpower to do so. Then, he finally started after his long silence.

“I know I’ve been unfair to you for the last two years. But I’m changing.”

Jeonghan hated how shaky his voice was, yet the fear that his efforts were not enough to make amends was too big for him to conceal. “I meant everything I said on the airplane when we flew back to LA; and I’m trying to be a better person for you. For the three of us.”

Now it was Joshua’s turn to still. The expression on the younger’s face wasn’t something Jeonghan could find the word for. Anguish started to take over the fear that was currently clouding the long-haired male’s mind.

And then suddenly, it hit him.

Maybe what he had done and said _were_ pointless; maybe he didn’t try hard enough to pick up the pieces. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have ended up having this conversation.

_It was hard being the sane one._

Jeonghan had thought he’d been doing the right thing: taking it slow and steady, waiting for Joshua to get out of his escapism and back to him. However, it just occurred to the elder man that if he didn’t pop the bubble Joshua had been living in right now, the consequences would be dreadful.

Jeonghan might be able to wait for Joshua for months, probably years. But Seungcheol, definitely couldn’t wait for another second, especially in this circumstance.

The older male out of the two took a deep breath. He hadn’t planned any of what he was going to say, nor had any anticipation of how things would turn out afterwards.

His head felt light as he heard himself speaking.

“I’m trying my best, but there’s no point if I’m the only one to move on.” His voice sounded far away, faint and echoing, as though it didn’t come from him. “Seungcheol has changed, Shua. He’s no longer the same person we loved two years ago. Why can’t you just accept that?”

Joshua’s expression darkened with every word Jeonghan said. The long-haired male couldn’t recall when the last time he had seen his boyfriend like this was.

Years of living in harmony almost made Jeonghan forget about the dark side hidden beneath the American’s curling lips and gentle eyes.

“I don’t understand what you mean,” said Joshua. His throat was tight, making him sound like he was grunting.

“I accidentally saw your computer screen, when Cheol cut his finger the other day.” Jeonghan sighed heavily then added, “You were finding a hypnotherapist for Cheol.”

That was not even a question.

The way Joshua turned his head to the side while his face still maintained a stern expression made Jeonghan wretched. The latter’s eyes darted to the clock hanging on the wall, realizing that the two of them had been arguing for fifteen minutes straight.

God knew how far Seungcheol could have gone in fifteen minutes.

The sense of urgency, which had been burning low in Jeonghan’s gut for quite a while, suddenly burst into a blazing flame. And the long-haired man knew he couldn’t afford to hold back anymore.

“You’re trying to recover Cheol’s memories, aren’t you? I’ve noticed your behavior for a while yet I thought that you just needed to take time. But hypnotherapy? This is getting out of hands, Shua. There’s a reason that Cheol was put in a sanatorium, _not_ the hospital. His mentality cannot be healed, no matter if his memory is recovered or not.”

Jeonghan stopped and gulped. Then he continued in a brittle voice.

“We should have talked about this before. It was my fault to presume that both of us could move on with whatever is left. But it’s not too late to fix it together, right?”

Jeonghan slowly moved forward, reaching out to Joshua like the way he used to when there were only the two of them together in this foreign city. However, the younger male didn’t seem to notice. He kept avoiding Jeonghan’s gaze, with his expression unchanged and lips thinned into one line.

That was when Jeonghan’s feet halted in hesitation then took one step backwards.

The silence enveloping the two men was so thick that Jeonghan felt like he was being suffocated.

Yes, he had made mistakes, big ones. And maybe he hadn’t changed as much as he thought he had. Regardless, he had put everything he had out there, and the fact that his question wasn’t replied only made him feel more vulnerable than ever.

The long-haired man couldn’t help but asked himself whether this was how Joshua felt every time he shut the American out of his world during those two years; and if he had known that, would he have been able to suppress his pain in order to relieve Joshua’s?

And then, out of the blue, Jeonghan came to a realization.

Joshua might not be the only one who wasn’t ready to confront the truth, nor the only one that needed to take his time.

Yoon Jeonghan was no different.

As much as he urged himself to be courageous, he was still frightened of the thought that he wasn’t strong enough to carry the three of them. That he would screw up pathetically at the moment that Joshua and Seungcheol needed him the most.

Turns out, he was just a coward after all.

Jeonghan thought he might break down right this moment from all the fear and guilt. He was so close to giving up on everything the three of them had, lost, and then failed to gain back once more.

Nevertheless, he remembered that Seungcheol was still somewhere outside. Alone.

Hence, Jeonghan pulled himself together again, knowing that this wasn’t the time to make everything about himself; no matter how emotionally tattered he was.

“I know you want us to be just how we were before the breakup. But trust me, Cheol recovering his memories would guarantee anything _but_ that.” Jeonghan said before turning towards the entrance. “Think about it, Shua. We will talk when I bring Cheol back home.”

With that, the older male walked out and closed the front door behind him. And this time, he didn’t forget to lock it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an intense writer's block and I constantly felt like my writing ability couldn't catch up with what this story needed. So yea, this chapter has been re-written many times, over and over again. Hope it didn't turn out horribly ;;;A;;;
> 
> What do you think about Jihan's argument and also the changes in their dynamic? Please leave the comments and tell me your opinions, guys :)))) Your comments are always helpful and they mean a lot to me :)))))


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back with a long ass chapter :))) Hope you enjoy it :)))

Once the door was shut, Joshua collapsed on the sofa. His elbows pressed on his thighs and his face buried in his hands.

At the moment, everything felt as if he was under the water. His eyes stung when he tried to keep them opened, and the sound of Jeonghan’s hurried footsteps outside became muffled and hollow.

Contrary to popular belief, this sweet-tempered gentleman was the most stubborn amongst the trio. Most of the time, Joshua was easy-going and undemanding, but when it regarded the decisions he had made himself, the American would never give way to anyone.

Back in the days, whenever Joshua became headstrong about something, even Seungcheol would have a hard time compromising with him.

_Choi Seungcheol._

The man that had started their bliss but also their suffering.

Seungcheol was the one who brought the three of them together. The one who initiated their first kiss and their first time making love. The one who, on a beautiful spring day, had asked if Joshua and Jeonghan would want to move in with him.

Ironically, he was also the first person to call it quits. To say goodbye, and then walk out on what they’d had.

Seungcheol was sometimes ruthless. His cruelty lied deep under his warm and caring nature like the bitter embryo hiding inside a sweet and fragrant lotus seed.

He was also rational and smart, so he always knew and decided what was best for his loved ones. Yet, he never asked about what they really wanted. As soon he had made a decision, he carried it out with no hesitation.

Joshua believed that if they were to turn back in time, his boyfriend wouldn’t have asked for their help even though the man himself was writhing in agony. He would still have made that phone call to LA to end their relationship. And then when things went wrong and became hopeless, he would still have tried to take his own life.

Everybody who was close to the eldest man knew that he never regretted the decisions he made. He might drag the guilt and pain along with him as a punishment, but not once did he give a second thought about what had been done.

Choi Seungcheol was cruel to himself no less than he was to his lovers.

And Joshua hated him for that.

It was a weird thing to say; since anger and hatred are the last things anyone could relate to the calm and gentle Joshua Hong. But perhaps he had always been angry with Seungcheol ever since the trio broke up.

This negative feeling at first was mild; because on top of it, Joshua was confused and devastated. He couldn’t make out how Seungcheol, the man who had never failed to shower him and Jeonghan with affection, managed to end their relationship that easily, just over one international phone call.

It was so sudden, almost unreal. As though one second he was on cloud nine, then the next one he was already tumbling down.

Back then, anger was just a slight itch under his skin. It was so trivial compared to the fracture somewhere in his ribcage, that he could barely feel it. But very soon, Joshua had decided that none of those should be of importance.

Neither the heartache nor the constant emptiness. And definitely not the prickling feeling at every mention of Choi Seungcheol.

Because as both he and Jeonghan had free-fallen from the very top of their world, Joshua realized that the latter crashed harder than he did; and that the long-haired man needed him desperately.

That was all he had to know before pushing all of his feelings aside and leaving them in the dust.

As time went by and Jeonghan started getting better, the American gradually forgot about all the pain he had once harbored.

The two of them were recovering. Slowly. Still, it had been a progress and he was proud of it.

At some point, Joshua even began to feel positive about their future and was ready let go of the past. Until the day when he and Jeonghan found themselves in some Korean sanatorium listening to Jihoon explain why the duo and Seungcheol ended up the way they did.

It was that moment when the anger was no longer just an itch. Joshua could feel the boiling sensation flowing through his veins, threatening to consume him inside out.

However, the American didn’t let it bother him.

The truth was, although Joshua had constantly occupied himself by working and taking care of Jeonghan, there were still some careless moments when he felt his heart twinge for Seungcheol.

It was a split second when Joshua cracked his eyes open at dawn and missed the gummy smile that used to get too close to his face as his eldest boyfriend gave him good morning kisses on his forehead.

It was a few minutes of commercial break in the middle of a TV show that the American realized how silent their apartment could get with only him and Jeonghan being here. And then he regretted all the times he had frowned when Seungcheol was being loud and obnoxious around them.

It was long hours of not being able to fall asleep, with Jeonghan lying next to him, completely fucked out and exhausted. Joshua felt his left side getting cold, so he slowly curled up like a fetus, trying to forget the radiating body heat that he was once so used to.

The American had long accepted the fact that never in this lifetime would he flick off all of the fingerprints that Seungcheol had left on his body and mind. Therefore, when his lover was discharged from the sanatorium, Joshua had naively believed that as long as they had Seungcheol back in their arms, everything was going to be fine.

So he ignored the disappointment creeping up his heart day by day, as he gradually realized that Seungcheol’s gummy smile had been appearing less often, and that the eldest man would, probably, never be loud and obnoxious again. Those thoughts haunted Joshua in his sleep, making the warmth from Seungcheol’s arm being thrown over his smaller frame lose its familiarity.

Having Seungcheol back should have been enough to keep Joshua going. Because Joshua loved Seungcheol and it should’ve been the only thing that mattered, right?

 _Maybe_.

If it hadn’t been for that one evening at the basketball court with Mingyu.

Joshua hadn’t stopped battling against his negative emotions ever since the breakup, no matter how badly he wanted to just let go regardless of Jeonghan’s or Seungcheol’s sake. Yet, the moment Mingyu told him and Jeonghan that Seungcheol’d rather silently disappear from this world than let them find out and go back to Korea for him, Joshua had totally given up.

It was as though the ground on which he had crashed two years ago and had built himself back up was suddenly shattered into pieces. And Joshua found himself free-falling once again.

Indignation sprang and clawed its way all over his mind like clamber plants. It wasn’t fair, Joshua thought. He didn’t deserve having his life controlled by the decisions of someone else; even if it was one of the two he loved the most.

If only Seungcheol had let himself be emotional and vulnerable for once in his life and reached out to Joshua and Jeonghan when his plan fell through, the three of them wouldn’t have ended up like _this_.

Joshua felt stupid for having those thoughts, because that wasn’t who Seungcheol was all along. As much as he wanted to grab Seungcheol by the collar, shaking and yelling at him for being such a rational and unbending bastard, it wouldn’t change a thing.

That night, he stared blankly at the slumped back and shoulders of the man sitting in front of him in the bath tub. He wasn’t so lost that he stopped loving Seungcheol. How could he, really? Especially when his eldest boyfriend had become this fragile and defenseless. Especially when the only thing Seungcheol could ever think about now was being with him and Jeonghan.

But none of that. None of that could deny the hatred Joshua was experiencing at that very moment. And he just didn’t know what to do anymore.

There were so many thoughts running through his head, clashing and getting tangled together. They twisted and pulled in all directions, and Joshua felt like he was on the edge of being torn apart literally.

That was when Jeonghan stepped in.

Joshua didn’t quite know how Seungcheol had gotten out of the bathroom, and how he himself had dropped to the floor, leaning against the bathtub. His cluttered mind could only comprehend the image of Jeonghan looming in front of him.

A tiny part of him which hadn’t lost its sanity made him want to smile at Jeonghan, to tell the long-haired male that he was fine and there was nothing to worry about. Just like what he had been doing for the last two years.

Even so, that feeling only sparked but then was abruptly smothered by the emotional conflict raging inside his head. And what Joshua blurted out in the end was a broken declaration of his hatred towards Seungcheol.

At this point, he had surrendered, couldn’t care less about the consequences or how Jeonghan would react to those words. But to his surprise, the long-haired male calmly said that he shared the same feeling, and then the next thing Joshua knew was Jeonghan’s kisses and touches placed gently on every inch of his skin.

For a second, Joshua was caught off guard. Without him noticing, Jeonghan had grown out of his devastation, and now became the one to console him. In the exact same way he used to do to the other when the duo started their new life in Los Angeles.

A jot of jealousy clawed at Joshua’s heart as he thought about his once wrecked boyfriend finally being able to stand on his own two feet, while he just watched the ground falling out beneath him for the second time.

Such thoughts pushed the American deeper into his turmoil, especially when he was already swamped by his ambivalence about Seungcheol.

Right then, he heard Jeonghan’s faint voice telling him to open his eyes. And when he did, he saw the contortion on Jeonghan’s face, in the way the man’s lips quivered and those deep dark irises staring at him.

Almost immediately, all the tussling forces inside Joshua vanished and his mind went quiet. Pure relief flooded his senses at the sight then abruptly spilled out of his body in the form of incessant tears.

That night, Joshua fell asleep exhausted, thinking that if Jeonghan had managed to fight through whatever this was, then he might be able to do the same.

Only, he couldn’t.

Realization hit him the next morning when he was woken up by the wet kisses Seungcheol was trailing behind his ear and neck. The sensation was too sensual, and Joshua wondered how such gentle gestures could physically hurt him this much.

Since the day all three of them had officially moved back in together, Seungcheol had been so pure and innocent, nothing more than a timid child in an adult’s body. Such a drastic change in his personality wasn’t easy to accept. But if that was the way it was supposed to be from now on, then Joshua would try to cope with it.

However, the man currently placing open-mouth kisses on his skin was out of what Joshua could process. And he didn’t even know if he should _want_ this or not.

As Joshua felt something inside him started falling to pieces, his hand scrambled to find Jeonghan’s and clutch to it like a drowning man to a life preserver. _Jeonghan would know why Seungcheol was acting like this. Jeonghan would know what to do._

The long-haired male did, indeed. But as Joshua saw his lover’s face start to show understanding of what was happening, he felt unnerved.

Just from the look in his boyfriend’s eyes, Joshua could tell Jeonghan was about to say something reasonable and realistic. Something _rational._

His head spun at the word. He could vaguely understand where Jeonghan was coming from; still, he didn’t forget how everything he loved was ruined by one’s rationality. Hence, Joshua released his grip on Jeonghan’s hand, turned down whatever reasoning the latter was going to offer and pulled Seungcheol into a passionate kiss.

A part of him was aware that this was no cure to his predicament. But as long as it could dim the pain he had been suffering from lately, then he would let himself drown in it. The American decided not to care about what triggered Seunghcheol’s antics. All he needed to know was that the man he loved was still _there_ , hidden under a damaged mentality.

And he thought he would be happier that way.

From then on, Joshua started tracing every piece left of who his eldest lover had once been.

It wasn’t difficult. Sex asides, he could easily notice some of Seungcheol’s old habits that showed in their daily life. But rather than finding them endearing, Joshua thought of these habits as more than a necessity, and gradually became obsessed with their existence.

He had totally forgotten that in the state of mentality that the elder man was in now, getting rid of a habit could happen as quickly as having a new one formed, and even more quickly if there was someone else pushing it.

That “someone else” was Jeonghan.

Joshua knew Jeonghan only meant well. Whatever memories that could trigger Seungcheol in anyway possible, Jeonghan didn’t hesitate to try and help the oldest man forget. The toxic habits were also broken and replaced by new ones.

It was for Seungcheol’s own good; still, Joshua couldn’t help feeling annoyed when each of the old habits started going missing. Sometimes, the process was a lot faster than he expected, and Joshua could really feel himself getting antsy and defensive. It was like Jeonghan was trying to take the old Seungcheol – _his_ Seungcheol – away from him.

He didn’t voice any of these thoughts out to Jeonghan, as he was aware of how irrational and selfish they were, and also because he thought he could keep them under control and not let them affect his relationship with the long-haired male.

It was as if he and Jeonghan were opposites of each other but both walking on a very, very thin line. Jeonghan took all the steps forward; Joshua took all the steps back. The younger hadn’t expected that one day Jeonghan accidentally made a step too big and landed on his feet.

They slipped, and fell apart.

That day was the one when Seungcheol got scolded for the first time ever since the three of them were back together. Joshua could feel the way Seungcheol’s body shrunk at Jeonghan’s threat of sending him back to the sanatorium. He could see Seungcheol’s eyes losing all the confidence in it and what was left were fear, insecurity and agony.

Seungcheol was once a self-assured man. He had never been afraid of making Joshua or Jeonghan upset because he was confident in himself and their relationship, and knew that they loved each other too much to stay mad for a long time. Hence, every time they fought, Seungcheol was always the first to make up. He would cling onto them, make silly jokes and funny faces until both of them burst into a smile. Then they would calmly talk things out and solve the problem right away.

 _This_ Seungcheol, however, was as insecure as he could be, and being threatened like that just killed his spirit. He became strangely obedient and cautious ever since that night.

Joshua wanted to believe that the old Seungcheol still existed, and that someday he would return. But that wouldn’t happen if Jeonghan kept on erasing his old identity. Although Joshua wasn’t sure that having Seungcheol back could guarantee their once happiness, it was the only way he knew how.

Thus, he started going against whatever Jeonghan said or did as a way to defend his little fantasy. It was passive-aggressive, selfish, and insane. But Joshua couldn’t find it in himself to care anymore. Even if he had felt guilty when Jeonghan sensed something wrong and tried to make amends with him, he didn’t let it change his mind.

After all, Joshua was the most stubborn one among the three of them.

His obstinacy was like a curse he put on himself. While it was supposed to protect his ego, it could also kill him inside when things didn’t go his way.

More memories were erased, more habits were broken. Seungcheol lost the sense of direction that he was once very proud of. Seungcheol was scared of letting them down and was even going to plead if Joshua hadn’t interrupt.

Such realization hit Joshua hard. He thought that maybe this was it, this was the dead end and whatever resolve he had couldn’t be of more help.

That night when they had sex, it was the first time Joshua had felt like taking out his exasperation on the man lying underneath him.

At first, it was purely out of Joshua’s frustration after a long day. But when he was gazing at the distortment in Seungcheol’s expression, Joshua suddenly wanted his lover to open his mouth and _beg_. So he slowed his movements, making each thrust tantalizing.

Joshua knew he couldn’t stay inside the bubble forever, yet he refused to leave it on his own accord. Or maybe he failed to muster his strength and will to be able to.

Thus, the American man needed a sign, from Seungcheol and no other. If the last thing of the old Seungcheol that he was holding on to disappeared, if the man lying beneath him breathed out a helpless plead, Joshua would accept to let go and move on. Despite how painful it could be.

All that the eldest man had to do was say “please”, and the little world which Joshua had built up for himself would be smashed under that weightless word.

Biting his own lips hard enough to draw blood, Joshua started counting down between his slow thrust. There was a voice inside his head telling him to hold just a bit longer, and wait for his world to crumble to ashes.

Three. Two. **One**.

Everything before his eyes suddenly flipped upside down.

There was no plea heard. The only things he could hear were Seungcheol’s heavy breathing and the slapping of their bodies against each other’s.

Seungcheol’s hands pressed firmly on his chest, reminding him of what was happening. The elder man looked wild and dominant even though he was the one being fucked, looking down at Joshua with his dark eyes and hair slicked back with sweat.

The moment Joshua’s orgasm erupted, he realized his little world hadn’t been shattered, but instead was closing up on him. So tight that it squeezed the tears out of Joshua’s eyes. So tight that it blocked out all the lights, then left him breathless.

Sex was now the only way he can find the Seungcheol that he wanted. It might make him seem like a sex-crazed maniac but he didn’t mind. He willingly fell into the pit of pleasure, only to be left with emptiness when the bliss was gone.

Despite the excessive amount of sex they had, Joshua wasn’t satisfied. He wanted _more_. More of who Seungcheol used to be. More of how the three of them used to be. The greed was eating him up, driving him to seek for professional intervention: a hypnotherapist.

Joshua wasn’t surprised to see Jeonghan getting mad at him earlier in the fight. In fact, he thought the other man had all the right to be shocked and angry with his plan. He knew that he had gone too far, but the further he went, the more afraid he was of going back. So he told himself to hold out against his boyfriend just a little bit more.

The younger male now wished he hadn’t done that. Because when he realized their argument had escalated and gotten out of hand, it was too late.

 

Joshua was currently still sitting alone in the living room of their apartment.

All of this reflection had drained him emotionally. He poured himself another glass of water, but only took a small sip then put it back down on the coffee table.

The man slowly lowered his upper body on the couch until he was lying on his back with his legs still hung over the edge. He placed his arm over his closed eyes and listened to his breath echoing in this empty space.

 

 

When Joshua opened his eyes again, the first thing he saw was his unfinished glass of water on the coffee table. He looked up to the clock hanging on the opposite wall. It read 7PM.

Two hours had passed since Jeonghan walked out of the front door.

Joshua lifted his body up by his left elbow, while his right hand was rubbing his face in exhaustion. He hadn’t intended to fall asleep, much less for that long. Hence, the guilt started rushing over once he realized Jeonghan hadn’t come back home.

Slowly, he stood up from the sofa. His legs were numb due to the weird position he just slept in. The short nap made his head heavy and dizzy. Joshua now started to feel the urge to join Jeonghan on finding their boyfriend as his stubbornness had died down significantly after some contemplation. In the end, above their conflict and Joshua’s obstinacy, Seungcheol’s safety was the most important priority.

Walking over to the TV stand, Joshua picked up Seungcheol’s forgotten phone to go through the call history and messages. Even though he had no idea how this would help in their situation, he didn’t want to overlook any possibility.

Few minutes later, the American gave up as he couldn’t find anything useful. But right when he was going to put the phone down, he caught the sight of a folded piece of paper lying where the phone had been.

 _Someone_ must have put it under Seungcheol’s cellphone.

It couldn’t be Joshua, of course, since he was the one who discovered it. And he knew it couldn’t be Jeonghan either, because the long-haired male hadn’t set foot to where the TV stand was.

Joshua stopped his thoughts right there. The possibility of whose note it was sparked the fear in his guts. So he decided to let his mind go blank as he picked up the piece of paper and opened in with caution.

The American’s eyes bugged out at the handwriting on the small note. It was round but bold, and _oh_ so familiar – it was something that Joshua used to find scribbled all over the teacher binder on the working table in their old bedroom in Korea.

Without a doubt, the man that left this note was Seungcheol. However, it wasn’t the same man with his shaky handwriting, struggling to spell some English word last night.

It was the Choi Seungcheol he had always longed for.

The mere thought of it instantly sent a shiver up Joshua spine. God knew how many times he had dreamt of _this_ Seungcheol’s return.

But as the American continued reading the note, the relief and happiness he had been expecting never came. Never in any scenario of his fantasy had he imagined it would turn out to be this way.

Joshua shook his head then read the note again. And again. He even enunciated each word out loud, in case he missed something or failed to get the message correctly.

He didn’t.

No matter how many times he reread the note, it still remained the same:

 

_Shua, Hannie,_

_I’m really thankful to you for taking care of me, and I apologize for being such a burden._

_I know that my presumption is what led us to this point. But this will be my last decision to make, so I hope you will respect it._

**_Please, don’t look for me._ **

_Seungcheol_

 

Assertive to the point that it seemed heartless. Such familiar feeling reminded Joshua of the phone call Seungcheol made to end things with him and Jeonghan.

His mind then started to float away, detaching from reality.

At this moment, everything was dead silent. The only sound Joshua could make out was his heart hammering inside his chest. So loud that it felt as if the thickening atmosphere around him was distorted with every pounding of his heartbeat.

Hence, Joshua didn’t notice the front door being unlocked and pushed open, didn’t realize someone entering the house and approaching him. He didn’t hear that person calling out his name, nor felt their hands on his shoulders, shaking them in worry.

And then, all of a sudden, Seungcheol’s note was taken away from his rigid fingers.

Joshua snapped his head up immediately. There was franticness flooding his bleary eyes. His whole being was now reduced to only newborn reflexes, as a strange impulse to scream or even cry at the intrusion began to take over him. Yet, the yelp that was going to leave his mouth suddenly got stuck when his eyes finally gained their focus.

He gazed at the long blond locks framing the intruder’s face. And for a second, Joshua was put at ease. He thought he had never seen his boyfriend look so bright and soothingly beautiful. Not even paintings of the guardian angels could compare.

Joshua didn’t know what to expect, but he hoped that Jeonghan would say something. Anything. However, when the long-haired male was done reading the piece of paper, he just simply put it back on the TV stand and went to sit down on the sofa quietly.

Jeonghan let his head fall on the back of the couch, his face towards the ceiling and his eyes closed. Joshua still stood where he was, feeling his palms sweat while watching the lump on Jeonghan’s throat move as the man swallowed.

They stayed like that for what felt like hours. The persistent silence made the younger dread. If Joshua hadn’t panicked then, he definitely did now.

“We have to find Cheol.” He blurted out, realizing belatedly that it was the opposite to what Seungcheol had asked for. But Joshua thought considering this circumstance, Seungcheol’s safety must come before his wish.

“He doesn’t know a thing about this country. Where can he possibly go?” The American continued, then was met with Jeonghan’s blank stare from across the coffee table, and it only took two seconds for the embarrassment to hit him.

Joshua averted his eyes, knowing what he just said was exactly the same as Jeonghan’s words from their argument from two hours ago. Even though there was no time to be embarrassed, he couldn’t help the heat from creeping up on his face.

Yet, before Joshua could have any further thoughts on this, the long-haired male decided to break his own silence with a long sigh, “I’ve already asked James to file a missing person report. He will call if the police finds anything.”

The calmness in Jeonghan’s voice somehow settled all the uneasiness stirring at the pit of Joshua’s stomach. The latter stood in his place for a moment, then slowly made small steps towards the sofa and gingerly sat down next to his boyfriend.

As Joshua reached out his fingers in an attempt to lace them with Jeonghan’s own like an instinct, he didn’t miss the sudden flinch in the elder’s hand. It was so faint, and Jeonghan still willingly let their fingers intertwined nevertheless. Joshua would want to think that the flinch wasn’t real, as well as the hurt and hesitation held in it, but the better part of him knew that it was.

Only then did the American realize how horrible he had been to Jeonghan earlier.

He was blinded by his stubbornness, and had torn open the wound on Jeonghan’s heart that had yet to heal.

Just as deeply as Jeonghan could understand him, Joshua also knew his lover inside out. He knew about Jeonghan’s constant guilt from how he had mistreated Joshua during the last two years; of the long-haired male’s insecurity of not being good enough.

He knew that, unlike Seungcheol whose cruelty when making those decisions came from the dark side of who he was, Jeonghan just acted out of his pure misery. The long-haired man had been so desperate that he was no longer in his right mind. And when he had finally come to his senses, he never stopped beating himself up over what he had done.

Joshua understood all of those things, and God knew how much he hated himself for it. Because understanding didn’t mean anything if it couldn’t stop him from using Jeonghan’s vulnerability to defend the little bubble he had been living in.

The fact was, Joshua had immediately regretted refusing Jeonghan when the latter was trying to reach out to him. Still, he pretended that he hadn’t seen the way his boyfriend had to keep himself from breaking down in devastation. Words were somehow caught in his throat, and he ended up staying silent until Jeonghan walked out the door.

Joshua now felt like a monster for doing such things, since he knew how miserable it was to be shut out like that. He had suffered from that pain when Jeonghan used to refuse talking to him and lock himself in his art room for days after their breakup with Seungcheol.

Joshua had never meant for his lover to get hurt the same way he had. But in the end, he was still the one to tear apart all the broken pieces that he had helped Jeonghan put back together.

How ironic.

The American snapped out of his trance as the calloused fingers in between his began to squeeze gently but firmly.

It was something he, Jeonghan and also Seungcheol always did to each other. It was their non-verbal way of asking “How are you doing?”.

Such intimate and familiar gesture put Joshua’s repentant soul at ease. But the fact that Jeonghan still cared for him despite being hurt made the insides of Joshua burn up like a furnace.

At this point, he just wanted to drop everything: his cold and cruel façade, his stubbornness, _his fantasy_. He wanted to squeeze Jeonghan’s hand back, saying that he was sorry, that Jeonghan was right and they should have stuck together and worked things out.

The way Jeonghan’s skin felt soft and warm against his sent a spark of hope through Joshua’s mind. He knew that Jeonghan would accept his apology, just like how the long-haired male still held his hand until now. Patiently and forgivingly.

However, before Joshua could even open his mouth or move his stiffening fingertips, Jeonghan’s phone suddenly went off.

The ringing sounded too loud and relentless to Joshua’s ears, to the point that it was both annoying and terrifying at the same time. There was something about it making him want to smash the phone violently just to end the noise.

After what felt like forever, to Joshua’s relief, Jeonghan finally picked up. The silence returned for a brief moment before it was cut off again by the sound of the line being connected.

The American then thought he could never forget the solemn voice of Jeonghan’s friend on the phone saying “We need you and your boyfriend to come here for body identification.”

He surely couldn’t forget the way their hand holding broke once the call ended. And all the warmth just vanished like it was never there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of all, I'm sorry? ;;;; 
> 
> As much as you hate me after this chapter, please leave a comment below if you find something off or if you simply want to yell at me :))) And I really need to know your opinions on the insights of Joshua. Do you think I did enough to explain his motives? Is that part too long or boring?


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